Written by Ted Haxton Jr.
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Wednesday, 12 October 2005

image for Recent Freeway Shootings Prompt New Ad Campaign by So Cal Auto Dealers
Freeway Shootings Prompt New Ad Campaign By So Cal Car Dealers

The Automobile Manufacturing Merchants of Southern California (AMMO-SoCal) have decided on a new advertising campaign due to the recent upswing in area freeway shootings. AMMO-SoCal members have agreed to emphasize several new features incorporated into their newest models, namely that they are now bullet-proof. The newest car models, released for sale in the Southern California market only, will have bullet-proof glass and doors; and, for a limited time, each model will come equipped with four bullet-proof vests.

Do you need a car that will withstand a "Dirty Harry" 44 Magnum round? No problem. Like an SUV that will withstand a car-pool lane clash with a sniper on the Santa Ana Freeway? Nothing to worry about. The Big Three American auto companies (GM, Ford, & DaimlerChrysler) will guarantee the personal safety of all occupants in their vehicles or your money back (funds will be returned to designated heirs when necessary).

A GM spokesman named Lou Netunes made the following announcement at a recent press conference in front of the Los Angeles City Hall: "General Motors saw a huge sales' opportunity with all the recent freeway shootings and decided to step up and give their customers what they're looking for, safer cars. Now, drivers of our newest models can drive around with no worries. Need to go into East LA gang territory and pick up something from one of the local street corner vendors? Now you can. Have a problem with an irate driver on the 405 Freeway who is packing? Flip him off! What can he do? Bullets just bounce off one of these babies! Have a spat with the old lady? Let her scream and shout and threaten to blow you away with the family Ruger. You're as safe as a baby in its mother's arms inside one of the cars from our newest lines."

The auto companies are still working out names for these new, bullet-proof models. Some proposals include the Ford Fracas Truck (it comes with 3 inch thick armor plating and windows that can take a 20 gauge shot gun shell at point blank range), the Ford Frenzy (a new sub-compact that packs a punch), the Mercury Mayhem (comes equipped with a wood-grained rifle rack and special NRA license plate frames that read: I Can't Drive 65 Without My 45!), the Oldsmobile Ordnance (a new 4-door sedan loaded with explosive new features), the Chevy Commando SUV (comes equipped with a special GPS unit that tracks "enemy vehicles" that have any of two dozen types of munitions signatures), and the DaimlerChrysler Incursion (it has 4 inch thick alloy side panels and hidden, 88 caliber machine guns [note: owner is responsible for procuring all necessary permits for exotic weapons]).

In related news, the NRA announced a new Self-defense, Weapons Safety Course that shows how to draw and fire a legally owned and registered 38 Special while driving in the #1 lane of the freeway at 75 MPH. Ira M. Apistlenut, a local NRA official interviewed for this article, enthusiastically stated, "This is exactly what I've been waiting for. Why should the evening news be filled with stories from Iraq? Now we can have our own war zone stories right here in our own backyard! I can't wait to be on Eyewitness News at Five!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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