Written by Lady Godiva
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Topics: Food, Strike, panic, Beans

Saturday, 11 December 2010

image for Pandemonium as Heinz workers threaten to strike. Bean eaters panic!
Beans, beans, the magic fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot!

"Workers at food giant Heinz are to go on strike in a pay row.

Unite said its members at the firm's factory in Wigan will walk out for 24 hours from next Wednesday evening and launch a continuous ban on overtime."

Residents of the U.K. are rushing to their supermarkets and corner stores to stock up on their all-time favourites, Heinz Baked Beans, Beans and Sausages as well as Heinz Spaghetti in Tomato Sauce before supplies run out, fearing their life-styles will be severely altered should the strikers be 'out' for more than 24 hours.

Many people interviewed agreed that Heinz Beans, Beans and Sausages and Heinz Spaghetti in Tomato sauce, served on toast, was a 'staple' in their families.

Most customers agree that they can do without the soups....but not being able to eat their beans and spaghetti is unthinkable.

The medical profession are said to be worried about people suffering severe withdrawal symptoms should they not be able to get their regular meals of Heinz products.

Hospitals are getting their Emergency Rooms ready, preparing for an influx of bean eaters suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

In some branches of Tescos, Asda and Morrisons, managers have had to bring in riot police as panicking shoppers push and shove each other to get to the canned food aisles.

Paramedics are working overtime, rushing from store to store to resuscitate women who have been trampled or squashed against glass windows or trapped in revolving doors which have stopped revolving as a result of the number of shoppers jammed inside.

"It doesn't take long for them to run out of oxygen when trapped inside revolving doors that are jammed," said Paramadic Joe Bloggs, "We have the fire-fighters on standby with metal cutting equipment, should we not be able to release the jammed mechanism on the doors."

A spokesperson for the Heinz workers grinned at the pandemonium saying,

"This is just the type of chaos we hoped the news of 'a strike' would bring about. In fact, to be honest, it's ever BETTER than we ever imagined.

"We knew a strike was looming as we have been discussing a pay increase for about thirty years now. The company just doesn't seem to want to move forward. They still only have 57 varieties after all of the years it's been in business

"Mind you, working for the company we've been preparing for this day for a long time....stockpiling cans of beans, beans and sausages, and spaghetti for many years. Some of us even rent storage facilities in which to store our cans.

"So what! If the public suffers, it won't be OUR fault. We've suffered long enough.

"Friends and relatives - who love to EAT the beans, constantly tease us about 'excessive farting, being OUR fault....yeah...but look now. We're tired of being the butt of their jokes and we don't see any of them laughing NOW"

Airlines, offering cheap flights to Mexico, are delighted with the numbers of 'richer' customers booking seats, heading for the Land of Beans.

Apparently, Mexican beans are as good as Heinz beans connoisseurs admit. 'No-name' brands in the U.K. don't live up to the standard of Heinz, however, people who have holidayed in Mexico said when eating beans there,

"We can't believe they're not Heinz."

When Takwana Smith and Anitakapita Jones, of Cargo Fleet, Middlesbrough, were interviewed coming out of their favourite Morrisons Branch at Berwick Hills, Middlesbrough, both pushing carts filled with Heinz Beans, and Beans with Sausage Anitakapita said,

"It's bleedin' shocken like. Our lad'll be ded mad if we run out of beans coz 'e 'as 'em every mornin' for breckie and loves 'em when e's watch'n the footie of a weekend. Beans on toast and a coupla pints... 'E said 'ed rather do without the friggin' BEER than do without 'is Heinz beans."

"Yeah!" continued her BFF Takwana, "Our lads the bloody same. Christ, if those werkers don' ge' back ta werk ded quick like, it'll be a war zone at 'our 'ouse. Let's just 'ope doesn't cum to tha' like."

A Spokesperson for Heinz told our reporter that he hadn't realized how far reaching the problems at his company were. He said that owners and union leaders will work around the clock - bringing in mediators if necessary, to sort out this sorry mess.

More as this story unfolds.

Morrison's specials this week include - half-price tickets on flights to Mexico to any customerswilling to sign a contract to remain 'loyal' to Morrisons, should a strike at Heinz last more than the threatened 24 hrs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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