H&R Block is not satisfied with merely waiting until January 2, 2011 to fail at tax season: This year it begins now, with H&R Block Emerald Advance.
"Emerald Advance is fun and easy," said H&R Block CEO Alan Bennett, who was difficult to hear, what with the angry mob of Block shareholders yelling 'Give us Barabbas'. "Plus, we get to sell you two overpriced, predatory loans in one year. Yay, overpriced, predatory loans."
"You could get up to $1,000 with the Emerald Advance line of credit," said Sabrina Wiewel, who will be blamed for Block's preordained failure, at the end of tax season. "Use it for emergencies, car repairs, bills and to pay off the refund anticipation loan we'll trick you into buying when we do your taxes! Lucky you!!"
"What they fail to tell you is that the Emerald Advance is a loan, borrowed against your anticipated tax refund. It's your f--king money," says Tom Bloch, son of Block co-founder R. "Run, do not walk, to your nearest local office supply store and buy Turbotax. It's much better."
"No, don't listen to him," said Bennett in reply. "Give us your money. Our tax returns may be less accurate, but they sure are more expensive! Wait, that's... that's not good, right?"
H&R Block stock prices were flat at $0.00000000024 in late trading today.