Written by Rob Stimpson
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Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Apple have today unveiled the new 'Girlfriend App." for the iPhone, claiming that it is "a huge leap forward in our bid to control the minds of every human being on Earth." In a conscious bid to move away from apps. that allow people to have fake lightsabre fights, make fake toast and pretend to eat it, drink imaginary pints of beer and fire imaginary shotguns, the app. will actually have a degree of involvement in real life, and is available for immediate download. It is, however, aimed specifically at the female market, or more specifically women who are currently in a steady (or unsteady) relationship with a man.

When the app. has been purchased and downloaded onto the iPhone it prompts the owner to nominate a name and number from the contacts list as their boyfriend. When this number has been selected the app. sets about three immediate tasks. Firstly, it hacks into the facebook and email accounts of the boyfriend, stealing his passwords so that the girlfriend can innocently monitor and twist innocuous correspondence with other females, and continue to do so on a half hourly basis. Secondly, the app. sets the boyfriends mobile phone background as a picture of the girlfriend. The picture is chosen by the girlfriend so as to pick out one that flatters her and doesn't show off her double chin. The third act carried out by the app., once the 'Intrusion Stage' is complete, is to automatically send a text to the boyfriend asking "What are you thinking? xxx" Regardless of anything else that happens, this text will be sent at half hour intervals from this point on until the relationship ends.

Other aspects of the app. include an inbox monitor. If no text from the boyfriend's number is received at least every hour the app. automatically sends him a text saying "We need to talk..." If no reply to this text is received within five minutes, a follow text of "I can't believe you're doing this to me you fuck!" is then sent out. Then, heaven forbid, a reply is still not forthcoming inside of a further two minutes, the app. simply wipes the boyfriend's phone of all contact numbers, saved messages and photos. The sim card is also melted and the relationship is over.

A loving boyfriend would not allow to this happen, naturally, and in happier times the app. will automatically send the boyfriend a text a month before the girlfriend's birthday saying "You don't have to get me much this year" followed by a web link to www.linksoflondon.com. No reply to this text is necessary.

And finally, if the boyfriend happens to send the girlfriend a text with no kisses on the end, the app. will immediately send a reply saying "Why didn't you put any kisses on that text? Are you cheating on me?" If no response is received inside of five minutes then text after text of foul and abusive language and phone call after phone will bombard the boyfriend, until he can explain that it was just an accident.

So, ladies, if you want to step up the intensity of your love and prove just how domineering or distrustful you really are, then there is an app. for that. There's an app. for everything.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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