Written by anthonyrosania
Print this
Topics: McDonalds, Shrek

Saturday, 27 November 2010

image for McDonalds: The Cadmium Is For Extra Flavor!
Those McRibs are delicious, but what is that tingling in my left arm??

Arc International, the company that brought us Pyrex, Mikasa, and McDonalds glasses chock-full of lethal cadmium, is backing away from the affirmative defense they've proffered in a lawsuit stemming from the 'Shrek Forever After' glasses fiasco.

"We contend that the cadmium, while technically a globally recognized toxic substance, was used in the 'Shrek' glasses to give the beverages contained therein a delightful, invigorating flavor," said Russ Smythe, McDonald's' President of European Operations. "You say 'poison', I say 'yummy!'."

"We regret any error made," said a company spokesperson. "But McDonalds' position is nucking-futs."

Arc-manufactured 16oz cadmium glasses --sold in promotion of the 2010 release of the movie 'Shrek Forever After: Milking The Cash Cow Dry-- were ripped from the hands of crying children when they were recalled by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission in June, 2010.

"I want my Shrek cup, I want my Shrek cup, " said 5-year-old Miel Maryanna, over and over and over, all the f--king way home. Non-stop. Then she began crying and stomping her feet.

"I think that the Shrek glasses are very nice," said a 7-year-old boy, whose memory of second grade was wiped clean by cadmium exposure. "If I could still walk, I'd go to McDonald's and get another one."

"Arc International continues to assert that the glassware meet the high standards of quality and safety, and met all Zambian (The sweatshop-riddled country of manufacture) applicable standards," said the spokesperon.

"McDonald's tested these f--king nightmare glasses in a 3rd party laboratory," continued Smythe, preparing to be run out of his job on a rail. Again. "The glassware was determined to be 'safeish'."

"You say McDonald's is irresponsible because it sells cadmium-laced, breakable glasses to kids. I disagree," continued Smythe. "Because, if so, then you must think that it is irresponsible to sell sh-tty food to kids with toys, or to pay our staff low wages, or to not pay overtime rates, or to understaff our restaurants to save labor dollars, increasing the risk of job-related accidents, or to fire employees who wish to unionize, or to force poor countries to commit Vast areas of land for cattle ranching at the expense of local food needs, or our use of thousands of tons of unnecessary packaging, or that our franchisees exploit poorer cities, extracting money out of the communities, or to... OK, never mind."

Make anthonyrosania's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.

Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 2 multiplied by 4?

3 22 25 8
63 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more