NEW YORK CITY & LONDON - Bankers today announced that 'money', usually worked out in 'banknotes' or 'coins', doesn't actually exist.
Money, a device used to measure the value of an item, has existed as paper or coinage since the bronze age. However, in the past 100 years, money was stored in banks where the amount written on a bit of paper was the amount it was worth.
However, bankers have been fooling us into believing that 'money' is actually worth anything.
"Well," said one, nervously. "ever since the Chinese used paper money to measure worth, we've been scamming you from then on. That bit of paper saying £10, is worth less than the paper its printed on."
In fact, money was deemed worthless in 1920s Germany when hyperinflation meant that Monopoly money was more valuable.
But what of the dosh on our plastic cards?
"Well, that's digital-ish money," a banker explained. "We all know you can't feel or smell or taste digital stuff. So, this entire banking crisis was all an elaborate plan."
The news has caused mass panic in money-centric countries, rendering stocks worthless, pensions worthless, items worthless.
PM of the UK, David Cameron said this: "Do not worry. We use the gold reserves. They are reserves. Each family will receive an equal amount of gold. Sod that. We rich are keeping it, It's shiny. It glitters. MINE. ALL MINE!"
However, crime has decreased the world over, as robbing banks are futile.
Many people have resorted to simple bartering.
"Eh," said Mike Smith, Birmingham resident, "it'll take some getting used to. We can always pay in carrots or something." He paused. "How many carrots is a 3DTV?"