London, England - Hasbro Larami, makers of the world renowned "Super Soaker" water guns, announced today that they will be releasing the limited edition Tom Cruise Super Soaker Microphone in tribute to the independent British comedy show crew that impersonated a news crew and utilized a fake microphone to squirt water in the face of the real Tom Cruise during a filmed "War of the Worlds" interview with the movie star two weeks ago in London, England.
"It's all in good fun", exclaimed Hasbro CEO Alfred Verrechia, confirming that in addition to obtaining a patent for the water microphone has also offered to pay the legal fees to free Cruise's four assailants from jail. "These fine british chaps had a great idea, but they just picked the wrong primadonna to squirt", snickered Verrechia, "even though I must admit that Tom's recent scientology ranting and raving needed some cooling off.....and aren't we all children at heart?"
When asked about profit potential, Verrechia pulled no punches. "Absolutely! We thought we had all the good ideas, but this one is as refreshing as being squirted with the Tom Cruise Super Soaker Microphone - yes the fake flower gag was the classic - the original - but this takes soaking to the next level. It is a fact that 85% of all TV interviews are bland and stale - imagine the possibilities now! How about interviews with the Queen Mother? I will guarantee on my mother's fine antipasto that you will get a reaction out of every interviewee with the Super Soaker Microphone. We may even get to see what the Queen Mother's face REALLY looks like under her makeup."
Dr. Lonnie Johnson, the nuclear engineer and creative genius behind the Super Soaker, confirmed that the product will be on the market within a month, in time to be enjoyed during the hot days of summer. "We will be ready with a high quality three model product line" announced Johnson proudly. "The basic model will simply be a water resevoir that resembles a cordless mike that has a thumb trigger for extruding H20, the deluxe will be a corded model that has an actual microphone shell and will be hooked up to a nearby water tank and will be able to shoot up to 10 gallons of water up to 50' while the professional model is an ultra high tech fully functioning high fidelity cordless microphone that is able to pull water particles from the air in a one mile radius and squirt up to 8 oz of water up to 10', depending on the humidity."
In an outdoor interview outside the Today Show studios, Matt Lauer brought up the Super Soaker Microphone and asked for Cruise's thoughts. Boldly trying to maintain his composure, Cruise passionately announced "You don't know the history of water guns. I do. Matt, you don't even - you're glib. You don't even know what water is. If you start talking about water guns, you have to evaluate the research papers on how they came up with water . That's what I've done."
When Lauer replied that Cruise's explanation made no sense whatsoever, Cruise chanted an unidentifiable mantra, grabbed Lauer's arm and shouted "It's just a great time in my life. I'm really happy. And you know, I'm engaged. I'm going to going to be married. I can't restrain myself. You're a jerk. And I am going to punch you Matt." Before Cruise could follow through on his threat, Cruise was squirted heavily by four water microphones, dropping him to the ground.
Dragged away by authorities, Cruise was reduced to a zombie, incessantly babbling "Mimi, Nicole, Pe-ne-lo-pe. I love Katie and Katie loves me......"
Upon news of the interview Hasbro stock shot up a record 37% up $8.09 to $29.72.