Written by Neil Levine
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Topics: Washington, Energy

Wednesday, 29 June 2005

In a convoluted, contorted and hard to decipher effort to produce an energy policy, any energy policy, President Bush has proposed running this country on hot air. "It's free. It's overabundant in Washington and we don't have to do much of anything to produce more."

"It's certainly not limited by reality and its non-polluting, a big plus for people who complain of lung irritation, emphysema, runny eyes, ringing in the ears and other bothersome health conditions. Best of all, it is absolutely and unequivocally not dangerous unless you begin to believe in things like free fuel and other such political nonsense. Think of these things as another minor inconvenience in the name of civilization."

"Think of phlogiston, the magical material that fills the void. That's what you should be thinking about. Phlogiston is what it's all about. But hot air is better. It is magical. It will cure whatever ails you and it's new, improved, better, more practical, more exciting and we make it every day on the Hill."

"Remember this Administration plans on filling the highways of this country with hydrogen fueled cars without having any secure source of Htwo gas whatsoever. As a matter of fact, without have any scientifically recognized source at all. Remember when Washington claps its hands the hydrogen gas will show up and everyone will live happily every after or longer if need be."

"To cover our backsides, we are also going to use coal, uranium, wind and more gas and oil than we currently possess."

"It is important to keep in mind that there is no need to worry. Washington will take care of everything. After all, it was Washington that helped the Iron Horse to develop the Wild West, the horseless carriage to carry your groceries, the flying machine to take you home and the internet, where Al Gore personally supervises progress."

"We even help business to prosper. It was Washington that enabled companies to thrive launching rockets carrying communication satellites, uranium miners to sell yellow cake and even force Ma Bell to be swallowed up by her babies because nowadays people can safely walk the streets, not talking to other people, but headsets and other convenient gizmos that are federally approved."

"There is business to be done and progress to be made and we intend to get the job done."

"Just remember in Washington your wish is our command so enjoy the hot air and turn up the air conditioning if you feel the need."

"Because, Baby, it's cold outside and it's a cold cruel world and it will be a cold day in Hell before we come up with a financially sound, scientifically prudent energy policy."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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