Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Thursday, 14 October 2010

image for Supermarket Plans Summary Justice After Judge's Criticism

A major supermarket chain is planning to dispense summary justice at its Irish stores following advice from a judge irritated by shoplifting prosecutions.

The judge, hearing a case against a Lithuanian man who stole a bottle of wine from a Tesco store in Galway, said: "Why doesn't Tesbury's deal with this sort of thing without calling the Gardai?

"The Irish taxpayer is paying for all of this."

Stung by the rebuke, Tesbury's is considering its options.

Said a source close to the chain: "They're looking at various things. They're not sure a gallows or a guillotine in the car park would be very customer-friendly or encourage in-store footfall.

"However, research will show how popular they might be. If customers do like them, then clearly this would be another aspect of the Tesbury's customer experience that could be monetized.

"Freezers are sound-proof, so a bullet in the back of the head is a possibility. Or lethal injection in the manager's office or cool storage is another option.

"Of course, staff administering the justice would require special remuneration for the extra responsibilities. Management are in discussions with the unions about this."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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