Written by Belinda Michaels
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Topics: Food, Washington

Sunday, 5 June 2005

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Washington, WA. Jared Fogle, the international face of Subway, has parted company with his employers, according to reports. The acrimonious split first came to light when Fogle was spotted at a rival fast food 'restaurant' indulging in high fat burgers and fries.

"He was clearly intoxicated," a shocked onlooker said. "I approached him to sign my McHappy Meal
place mat for the kids but he said - and I quote - "I'm busy." Another eyewitness claims he gestured rudely with his hands and said "Eat this," a not so witty variation on the trademarked 'Eat Fresh' slogan.

Jack Osbourne is tipped to replace Fogle and be the new face of Subway. Insiders say Osbourne recently completed a photo shoot where he was required to hold up a pair of pants twice his size whilst discussing the benefits of choosing what goes on your Sub.

Fogle, real name Jared Kennedy (yes, those Kennedys) changed his name after it was published nation wide in a Dominick Dunne article, insinuating his involvement in the cover up of a 1986 murder in Connecticut. The murder of Evy Rosedale remains unsolved.

How Fogle became involved with Subway is somewhat sketchy but no less fascinating. Not a clown nor a colonel, Jared Fogle was an innovator. The fast food consumer's fast food consumer. A blue collar family guy who struggled with his ballooning weight. Where the fun element for other food chains might be in the toy you buy with your meal or the playground attached to it's restaurant, the fun with Subway was found with it's healthy options and the very real possibility of bumping into Fogle yourself at one of the Subway branches. Those days appear to be gone.

Subway is due to comment officially on the split this Thursday but in a statement obtained by The Houston Herald it read:

It is with regret that Subway has decided to part ways with it's spokesperson Jared Fogle. We are proud of our relationship with Jared but despite being offered the role of sandwich artist, he made it very clear to us he was not being fulfilled creatively. It is now time for Subway and Jared to go our separate ways. To satisfy fans and to bring closure to the partnership 'A Best Of..' Jared DVD will be released next fall. With full interactive menu, the deluxe double disc set will feature all 23 advertisements, pre Subway footage, Fogle's original audition tape, news clips from a New Zealand spoken word tour, CEO commentary and Surprise Subway Easter Eggs. Expect an exciting announcement shortly.

Jack Osbourne was not available for comment yesterday but his father took the call and said it was news to him.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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