Written by Xavier
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Topics: Fireworks

Thursday, 7 October 2010

image for Nokia Enter the Digital Firework Market
An early digital firework

Nokia entered the ever growing digital firework market this week with the Nokia Vesuvius Express Music 3X-MDF. This top-of-the range firework not only has a touch screen eruption but has a superb built in MP3 player, USB connection and a SIM free 4G phone.

For a little more, the Nokia Super Vesuvius Express Music 3XDDT has all the features of the MDF but also has a built in SatNav. To save pushing the 'Fire' button you can connect it seamlessly to the internet and set it off from the comfort of your lounge. One special feature is a digitally downloadable voice which shout "Verrrr-ooom" in 5 languages.

Our intrepid reporter tried out the 3XDDT and tried to use the internet connection to set it off, but the network was so slow it went off 15 hours later. He tried again with a 3XMDF but, unfortunately the battery went flat.

The new Digital Fireworks are becoming a hit with the Chav culture who can safely show them off in pubs and clubs without the embarrassment of burning the place down.

We asked Damien of the Royals Society for the Prevention of Fun (ROSPF) for some safety tips and he gave us this Digital Firework Code.

1: Aim to set off your digital firework where you can impress the most people.

2: Keep your digital fireworks in their cases and show them off one at a time.

3: Read the instruction manual which comes with your digital firework before setting it off.

4: Press the 'Fire' button on your digital firework and then stand as close as possible so you can hear it say 'whoosh' or 'bang'.

5: Keep naked flames away from digital fireworks, it can melt their cases.

6: Never reuse a digital firework in front of mates - it's boring.

7: Never throw digital fireworks - they break.

8: Direct spectators as near as possible to digital rockets, the voices are often very faint.

9: Never use paraffin or petrol on the bonfire of non-functioning digital fireworks, always take them back for a refund.

10: Make sure all digital fireworks are turned off before leaving.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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