Adobe executives are threatening strong legal action, after 60-something has-been Madonna was found to be the cause behind every licensed copy of Adobe's Photoshop, the Auto-tune of retouching software.
And the proof is in the photos.
Some hideous sadist has released onto the Internets before and after photos from Madonna's Dolce & Gabbana ad campaign, showing more than a touch of Photoshopping.
"The time-stamp on these photos correlate with the exact moment Photoshop stopped working, worldwide," said Adobe CEO Shantanu Narayen. "We will show that it was the photographer, trying to Photoshop the senior-citizen-lizard look out of the Madonna photos, that crashed our program.
How Photoshop was born? In a nutshell, some PhD student at the University of Michigan wrote a Mac program grayscale images on a monochrome display. His brother saw it, sent a copy of it to Adobe, who stole it, renamed it Photoshop, and made eleventy-kajillion dollars off of it. Then, copies began to appear on Napster, then Gnutella, and finally on Bittorrent sites.
While almost every computer in America has Photoshop, no one has actually purchased a licensed copy since 2002.
An oft-overlooked feature of Photoshop is it's shared resources tool. When a user's computer is overtaxed by a Photoshop task -- in this case, trying to make Madonna not look like Iggy Pop with a wig-- the CPU of other computers with Photoshop installed are brought online to help out.
"We never though that there'd be a photo of a woman so fugly-busted that it would use all the shared resources on Earth," saud Narayen. "Madge proved us wrong."
In the leaked photos, Madonna's nose is smaller, her jaw is less Leno-like, the WWE Wrestler-style neck veins are removed, her gargantuan biceps are almost feminine, and her granny-hands are covered over.
"If we had to do it the old-fashioned way," said the photographer. "We would'be needed a vat of airbrush paint. The woman is a f--king hag!"
But the public needn't be concerned about Playboy centerfolds having pubic hair or body fat.
"Fortunately, this outage only affects licensed copies of Photoshop," said Narayen. "But there are almost 11 billion copies of the program being downloaded from Bittorrent sites and sold at local computer shows. So, no worries."