Written by Gabhan O'Buachalla

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Topics: Banks, Ireland, topless

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

image for Irish Bank uses topless tellers to raise funds

In a desperate bid to stay solvent an Irish Bank has urged all its bank tellers to work topless in order to save their jobs.

Molly Malone from Anglo-Irish Bank retail division

"We need to recapitalise our current assets, if we are to cover the bad debts incurred during this unprecedented financial crisis. This essentially means we have to win deposits from competitor banks.

Normally, this is achieved by raising the interest rates on our deposits. However, with Irish bond rates hitting 7%, this is no longer feasible"

"We opened topless cashier desks, where customers can hand over their cash to us with a pleasant, relaxing view of a fragrant and friendly topless teller"

"We have had a few teething problems as queues were going out the door and customers were taking longer than usual to hand over their cash at the desk"

The "Bosom Bond" account offers a low Irish interest rate of 1%, but the financial product is essentially an evolution in customer service.

Customers can choose a variety of bonds, which are currently rated as follows

The "34 C Bond"

The "32 Double D Bond"

The "38 F Bond"

A greater selection of bonds will be offered to customers as soon as we get more tellers on board to handle demand

"Financial innovation is the best way to stay abreast of our competitors"

Banks in Portugal, Italy, Greece and Spain are already planning to launch similar products now dubbed "Boob Bonds" by the international markets.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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