Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: The Spoof, chile, nuts

Monday, 27 September 2010

image for Patagonia Nut Farmer Moonlights as Spoof Writer
Just one of the nut exports from the Patagonian region of Chile owned by Mr. Philbert of Macadamia

Not originally recognized in any country other than his own, Philbert Macadamia, Chilean nut grower and the country's largest exporter is also becoming wildly popular as a satirical writer for TheSpoof.com online magazine.

Preferring to deftly spoof historical, political or economic issues with his stories, Macadamia also mixes in an occasional puff piece for breast appreciation, which of course, appeals to the widest pubescent and AARP-qualified male audiences. "It's quite easy to grow readership", says Macadamia, "All I have to do is create a story title with the word Breast, and add a few juxtapositions around the title with words like bounce, or jiggle, or perky in the story text. I'd much rather be focusing on my nuts".

And so would the rest of the nut chewing world. Chilean nut production has boomed in the last seven years due largely to reinvestment in the industry by Macadamia himself. Boasting exports that now top 5% of the world's nut market, the Patagonia growing region produces some of the largest, meatiest nuts in the world. "I do have the biggest nuts, and you can ask anybody", says Macadamia. "My nuts are famous and in demand the world over."

Documented export prices support Macadamia's claims. While nuts are generally managed and priced as a commodity in world trading, Macadamia's Patagonian nuts pull a premium on the open market. "They are generally larger and have a sweeter, meatier center than other exports. Lovely texture and flavor", says Madrid's #1 Chef, Abel Rodriguez. "I prefer to crack some fresh ones open and pop them right into my mouth", says London Chef, Lynton Porkington III, speaking of Patagonian walnuts.

Though large and meaty nuts have made Philbert Macadamia a wealthy man, they weigh heavily on his mind. "I'd much rather write than be a nut farmer", admits Macadamia. "It's pleasant and relaxing desk work, and I don't have to handle my nuts all day long. Don't get me wrong, my nuts have made me a wealthy man, put the endless picking, cleaning, and general nut handling gets old, you know?"

Referring to writing for The Spoof, Macadamia smiles as he describes the enjoyment of being an author. "The process is creative, enjoyable, and fictitious oratory, in other words, my own fake orasm, if you will", says Macadamia. "And I don't ever have to play with my nuts to get there."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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