Written by anthonyrosania
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 23 September 2010

image for Holy Sh-t! Blockbuster Inc. Intends To File For Bankruptcy Protection! Who Knew?
FREE SQUIRREL, the sign read. "I'll call him Snowflake. And he knows tricks! Ok, Snowy, do flat, rancid, carcass! GOOD BOY!"

Holy sh-t! Blockbuster Inc. has announced its intent to file for bankruptcy.

Big f--king shocker.

Despite financial geniuses writing stories like Blockbuster, 25, Dies After Prolonged Illness and Trust Me: Blockbuster Video Is Dead, the financial world didn't see the writing on the wall, and continued to trade the fatally infected stock as late as last night*

How awesome is the word 'petard'?

1.) The petard was a small bomb used to blow up gates and walls when breaching fortifications, so it was essentially the first IED; but, you know, it was used by Christians, so it's OK.

2.) The word petard comes directly from the Middle French peter, which means to expel intestinal gas. Thus, a petard is literally a fart. Huzzah!

3.) Most of that Wayne Huizenga quote over there is actually from 'Hamlet', so memorize it and rattle it off at school: Nerdy girls will think you're smart and touch your junk.

4.) A slang use of the word is stylized as PETArd, combining the word 'retard' with the name of some non-profit group that uses donated resources to kill housepets.***

Some Blockbuster a--hole about to be filing for unemployment said, "We are going to cut nearly $1 billion in debt, reorganize our business and keep our 3,000 stores open comes under the financial... (I stopped listening.)

"Does anyone remember when Blockbuster Video exemplified the future of retail?" asked another financial guru, who may or may not be me. "They were the best at commercializing home entertainment technology. Many companies patterned themselves after Blockbuster's business model."

"Unfortunately, their success, and the arrogance that followed, proved to be their downfall."

Indeed, it was the success of Netflix Inc. (NFLX 161.00, +0.53, +0.33% -- and Blockbuster's H&R Blockian** response to the new technology-- that sent Blockbuster Video to the gallows.

"For my employer past, let it work," said H. Wayne Huizenga, 194, the former owner of Blockbuster Video. "For 'tis the sport to have the engineer hoist with his own petard; and 't shall go hard."

"And in the end," said the aforementioned economics genius, " 'value' is not exclusively the offspring of low price. Americans value convenience, and the convenience of Netflix and Redbox trumped whatever perceived price break Blockbuster offered."

"Mazel-tov, f--kers. You f--ked over your employees and investors because you didn't respond to your competitors' convenience. I have no sympathy."


* Albeit at $0.04 a share, on the Pink Sheets.

** The rocket scientists at H&R Block cut John Hewitt -- he of Jackson Hewitt and Liberty Tax fame-- loose, after he suggested that computers be used to help prepare taxes. Heretic.

*** Normally I'd write a string of 'allegedly's here, lest the word be edited out. But... [soapbox] the Commonwealth of Virginia reported that, in 2009, that non-profit group euthanized 2,301 dogs and cats, and adopted out only eight. 8. As in, less than nine. Out of 2,309.[/soapbox]

Make anthonyrosania's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 multiplied by 4?

3 12 22 8
60 readers are online right now!

Go to top