Written by Frank Cotolo
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Topics: Economy, New York

Monday, 9 May 2005

image for Economy's signs of life worry Wall Street experts
Tens of thousands of people will drive to new jobs as stocks are predicted to fall.

NEW YORK - A sharp rise in new jobs in April, 2005, may mean that more people will be working for a living, but some economists say this is not good news for stock market investors, many who don't work for a living.

The reason 274,000 new jobs in one month is a negative is, according to Miles McStandoffish, a Wall Street expert who once sold pretzels in the area, that "any investor who has studied financial history knows that stocks struggle when there is a boosting of borrowing costs, a soft patch in the workforce and a malaise that grips Wall Street while uncertainty is certain."

Just what does that mean? Blair Bunghome says, "Miles is double talking. The real reason for a bad economy with new jobs is the bipolar post-monetary bing bop. Always, when jobs come in droves, no one knows where the droves will park their cars, no less swing their dubbers."

Other strategists, including Bruce Biteoften, say that Bunghome needn't blame dubber swinging. "That will not happen until later this year," he said. "It's hard to fight the feng that long."

The feng?

In the eight job creation periods since 1929, the Standard & Poor's 500 index was nicknamed "the feng" and thousands of on-site Stock Market participants called it that and blamed the name for slowing down stock purchases when people got new jobs.

"You have to remember," said broker Pith Smileweed, "that when lots of people get lots of new jobs, all of them want lunch hours and usually those hours are between noon and one. That takes them away from their jobs."

Many Wall Street pros expect the rise in jobs in April 2005 may well mean that lunch providers make more money, but, as followers of the feng indicate, "A sandwich cannot guide the economic growth of any super power. The prospect of higher interest rates continue to hang over the stock market like a flock of sick birds who are defecating on the lonesome crowds who walk below because the lonesome crowds have no wings and cannot fly with out powered flying vehicles."

Michael Haphazard of Danger Securities USA says, "I don't dispute that, but the Dow Jones industrials mustered only a five-point gain last I looked, and I looked recently and look a lot. So, despite rising for the week, or day or hour, due to increased fears that the feng will continue to weigh on all rates, we can assume that paried and pollied and popped portrayals of financial moot will conspire to rally only when the dip source is valued at less than the myocult."

"What the hell does that mean?" responded Peter Pollcaster, a Stock Market analyst. "No moot can conspire. Is this guy crazy?"

If the economy continues to keep growing, most experts claim people can expect to get more money from any number of sources, though billionaire investor Frank Frontworth says, "Not from me will any person benefit. My money is mine and no one else's."

If job availability remains high, stock investors are also confronted with the prospect of buying or selling their shares, something most experts agree happens under any circumstances.

Sam Smokestack, president of Invest And Try To Make A Profit Research, says stocks may struggle or rally, no matter if the feng stumps or slips or, as he says, "mends its motivation to proclure the velocity of its speed."

With the bull market now more than 31 months old, not one bull has been sited on Wall Street, mostly due to New York City laws about livestock roaming in public.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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