Written by Alistair Clarke
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Thursday, 9 September 2010

NEW JERSEY - Bringing to an end the unprecedented case of Apple v. Smitson, presiding Judge Mark Windleson ruled yesterday that Apple is entitled to half of Andy Smitson's possessions or an equivalent monetary value.

Speaking from outside the courthouse, Apple's prosecuting attorney Ted Dunnett hailed the decision as a victory for justice. "My clients provided Andy with countless hours of pleasure over the seven years he spent with their products. It's not their fault that one day he decided on a whim that he didn't want them anymore and decided to buy other brands. It's only fair that they get a reward for the time they invested in the relationship."

Smitson's lead defence attorney Randy Desktop was unequivocal in his criticism of the manner in which the case was handled. "They're acting like Andy was denying that he ever wanted Apple products in the first place, but that couldn't be further from the truth. He has stated numerous times that he is grateful for the good times he had with the iPod product line. He simply reached a point in his life where the limited format support and mediocre sound quality were no longer enough for him so he moved on as kindly and graciously as possible. He even gave excellent feedback when he deleted his iTunes account."

Citing the integrated nature of Apple systems, Desktop explained Smitson's decision to suddenly remove all the Apple products from his household as "an unfortunate but necessary step". "He wanted to give Apple a grace period, let them down lightly, but as soon as he cancelled his iTunes account his iPod became unusable. When he got rid of that, his portable speakers, which used a proprietary dock format, were similarly useless. What should he have done? Keep his iPod earbuds around just to show they still meant something to him? The style simply does not go with any other media players."

36-year old dancing instructor Smitson has already stated that he will appeal the decision and that until then he will refrain from making any similar commitments. "I was thinking I might get a cheap Chinese player or something. I guess the support wouldn't be too great but at least they wouldn't end up taking over my house and draining all my money."

Before he got in his car and drove away, he had some parting words for Apple. "Look, Apple, you have good products, but why do you have to be so needy? I gave you so much of my money to keep you happy yet you never showed any appreciation. You just wanted more. Now you've taken half of everything I have. I just hope you're happy."

At press time, our sources at Apple had strongly indicated that Smitson would soon be presented with a peace offering of a 5% discount on a 3g-enabled iPad and a 10$ iTunes voucher.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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