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Thursday, 2 September 2010

image for Apple Releases Gigantic Lump Of Robot Sh-t As 4th Gen. iPod Touch.

They've just stopped trying, customers around the world are saying, after evil corporation Apple, Inc. foisted a gigantic, steaming lump of printed circuitry feces upon the gadget-buying public, implausibly calling it the 4th Generation iPod Touch.

As a really expensive portable media player / really expensive gaming device / really expensive (and nearly unusable) mini-tablet computer, Apple's iPod Touch has been disappointing 15-year olds and their parents since 2007.

The pricing is ludicrously high, with a 32GB model going for a ridiculous $299, and a 64GB version for $399! By comparison, a 32GB "Touch of screen mp4 player" can be found on eBay for just $99.00: It ships directly from Hong Kong, and even includes an FM receiver and instructions in Japanese.

The iPod Touch does not even offer an FM receiver, on any model.

For these prices, the 4th gen iPod has fairly plebian features:

Retina Display: Whatever that means. Apple says it's the highest resolution iPod screen ever, with four times the pixel count of any previous iPod; there are so many pixels, the human eye can't distinguish individual ones. Hey, Apple, if we can't see it, why are you making us pay for it? A--holes.

Front-Facing Camera: If I wanted people to actually see me, I would have started brushing my teeth a long time ago. Now, 4th Gen. owners can video chat with other morbidly obese, girlfriend-less iPod owners.

Rear HD camera: Now iPod Touch owners can record hi-def videoes of their friends setting themselves on fire downing a flaming shot, or maiming themselves skateboarding down a shopping mall's steps, and play them back in 1080 on the flat-screen TV their dads had mounted in the den.

An A4 processor: The same processor found in the iPhone 4, which, we believe, disallows the iPhone from actually completing a call or spontaneously reboot of its own volition every time one tries to stream BBW solo videos from Pornhub.all in a size slimmer than last year's media player.

Three-axis gyroscope: Instead of detecting movement on the x- and y-axis, like in earlier versions, thethree axis version can monitors movement on the x- and y-axis, as well as movement in a parallel universe.

Did You Know?


That I am totally kidding? The new iPod is so awesome that it makes me want to bash my Archos mp3 player to death with my Treo 700!

The fourth-generation iPod Touch will also ship with iOS 4.1, which includes Game Center, Apple's social networking for people who like to play video games on a display as large as a Visa card.

"We've put our most advanced technology inside the new iPod touch," Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, while clutching his abdomen and sh-tting blood. "Whether you're listening to music, playing games, making FaceTime video calls, browsing the web, capturing HD video or whacking off to the Penthouse Pet of the Year Taylor Vixen Jpegs you have saved, the iPod is more fun than ever."

Jobs said he believes that the new lineup of iPods is the strongest that Apple has ever had.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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