Written by Don Pitts
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Sunday, 24 April 2005

image for Bush Compromise Averts Socialized History
All smiles. Bush fondles small town school teacher while getting fondled by uniformed book industry bodyguard

In a display of the masterful compromise and diplomacy that has characterized the Bush administration, the publishing and control of history books in the US will remain in the private sector, laden with government regulation and subsidies. "Modern history books have been so wrong!" decried the President. "Those printed just two years ago claimed I'd said Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and ties to bin Laden. We all know I never said that."

Clarence Moneyvaccum, spokesman for the textbook publishing industry, acknowledged that history has been changing faster than any time in, well, history, but felt it was in the best interest of the president to keep history in lucrative hands, also known as his power base. "Let the little moron try to take this goldmine" quipped a determined Moneyvacuum.

While the president cited all the changes required in recent text books, from campaign claims of environmental benevolence, educational awareness, pulling the nation together, fiscal responsibility, he also argued that old texts must be incinerated immediately after being withdrawn. "History is history" he said, and we don't need past history coming back to confuse us."

No historians were allowed in the negotiations. "Who needs them?" asked Bush. That would be like having consumers and environmentalists at an energy meeting!"

Mr. Moneyvacuum advised that changes in history requiring changes in text books are good for America. After all, a school system learns to budget to buy new history books every year and burn the old ones. And thank God we can finally stop those little asshole college students from their buying and selling used texts! I mean, if the court can stop Napster, why can't they stop the campus book store? It's outrageous!"

To cover the exponentially higher costs, the Bush administration will cover the cost of text incinerators and annual printings. Said the president: "This is how government and business work together. We control history, they get rich, school districts and college students foot the bill, and I'm the education President! Its just like when I obligated billions of taxpayers dollars so those old bastards could stay as hopped up as they want while ensuring maximum profits for the drug companies. Its America!

Moneyvacuum too was pleased with the agreement, noting that its just the beginning. "You know, there are still text books that teach evolution, and I recently saw a math book not acknowledging that God made numbers."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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