The dream of one day ass-blasting what is left of yesterday's flank steak and broccoli florentine into the gas tank of a German economy car has come a step closer to reality when British researchers successfully created a Volkswagen Beetle that runs on poop,
The UK based company, Shitfuel, began researching viable alternative uses for human waste, including urine-based windshield washer fluid and a diaper rash cream made of dandruff and toenail clipping. The use of mooky-stinks as fuel source was completely accidental.
"It was a Thursday, as I recall," said Rusty Thrombone, a researcher for Shitfuel. "I ate leftover Chipotle burritos for lunch. 35 minutes later, I needed a bathroom desperately. I blasted a chocolate banana onto the ground, then tried to hide it in the fuel filler of my boss' VW. The car fired right up, and a new fuel source was born."
Shitfuel says that poop powered vehicles will solve two problems; creating a sustainable option to oil based fuels, and a sanitary way to deal with biological waste.
"The Dung Beetle will come with a padded toilet seat, which'll hook up directly to the gas tank," explained Polly Ester, Director of Ploppers for Shitfuel. "Next time you have to drop the Cosby Kids off at the pool, you grab a section of the Sunday Times and head on out to the garage. Two grunts and ten minutes later, your a--hole is empty, and you got enough gas to pick the kids up at soccer AND get to work the next day.'
Makers of the Dung Beetle claim that the raw human excrement that is flushed by way of toilets in just homes, can generate enough power to run the sh-tcar for one year. Researchers expect the car to return 24 MPT* in city driving.
And what about the obvious issues involved with driving a car that burns fanny cookies?
"The combustion process is fairly complete," said Skip Roper of the Federal Assnuggets Foundation. "The spent gases are mixed with Renuzit, via a tank mounted in the trunk. Other than the occasional undigested peanut and popcorn kernel skin, the exhaust is remarkably clean."
"I mean, it smells like a homeless person's underpants, but it is nearly sterile, biologically."
The Dung Beetle will initially be sold only in California, where free bullsh-t can be found at nearly every movie studio and talent agent's office. A sporty variant will be available in 2012, with a slightly different fuel requirement:
"The sport version will need special fuel," laughed Roper. "You'll need to eat a lot of Power bars and red meat, but the Shitfuel GT will hit 60 in 4.8 seconds."
* Miles Per Turd.