U.S. Attorney Virginia Beach found a way to get her name in the local papers to impress her parents by announcing today that former H&R Block tax professional O.C. "Original Criminal" Calhoun, Jr., 43, of Buffalo, NY, was sentenced to 5 years probation by a U.S. District Court Judge, and ordered to pay restitution in the amount of $117,771 to the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) after pleading guilty to felony charges of preparing and filing bullsh-t tax returns.
Assistant U.S. Attorney Walter Melon, who handled the case, stated that Calhoun, who worked as a tax professional for H&R Block for six years, prepared numerous false tax returns for himself and other individuals between 2003 and 2006.
In one instance, Calhoun falsely listed other people's children as his own dependents on his personal tax returns, entitling him to certain deductions and refundable credits, such as the Earned Income Tax Credit.
The United States federal Earned Income Tax Credit, known internally as "Operation No Birth Control = Free Money", is the IRS's very own welfare program; a refundable tax credit for socio-economic Darwin Award-winners, meant to provide unearned cash for families who are better at making babies than making money.
"It is designed to shift tax dollars paid by responsible people into the usually empty checking account of those who enjoy f--king bareback more than working overtime," said Tess Steckle, a spokesperson for the IRS. "For 2010, a claimant with one qualifying child can receive up tp $3,050: For up to three qualifying future parolees, they're worth a maximum of $5,660."
"After three children, it no longer pays to make more babies, which is why most poor people stop reproducing at that threshold, " said Tom Morrow, the father of three daughters, ages 5, 3 and 2.
"This money," said Morrow, "should go immediately to paying February's rent and the late fee from January's, ½ ounce of British Columbian Euphoria Unlimited bud from your friend who rents out his Medical Marijuana card on the boardwalk at Hermosa Beach, and 22" rims for your 1995 Ford Crown Victoria P71 Interceptor, bought at a police auction for $1900.00, so who cares if the kids can't open the rear doors from the inside because the car was originally used for transporting defendants to their arraignments from County lockup?"
In addition, Calhoun admitted that he assisted ten other people in preparing their tax returns illegally, and knowingly listed false dependents for these individuals. For some of the people, Calhoun brokered dependants to the individuals and solicited kickbacks for listing the dependents on the individuals' returns.
Calhoun's conviction was the culmination of an investigation on the part of Special Agents of the Internal Revenue Service - Criminal Investigation Division, under the direction of Warren Peace, Special Agent in Charge. The IRS is aggressively pursuing return preparers who assist in the preparation and filing of false tax returns, and seeks the help of tax preparers' employers.
"The IRS drove the Criminal Prosecution bus to Mr. Calhoun's house and H&R Block threw him under it," added Peace.
While H&R Block would not comment specifically on Mr. Calhoun's conviction and sentence, they were interested in what Calhoun was able to accomplish.
"Mr. Calhoun was able to do something that we as a company have not been successful at since President Clinton was using Monica Lewinski's vagina as a humidor: Making a profit!" said Vice-President of Growth Strategies Mazz Philini, a 3 year H&R Block veteran who is now the longest-tenured Executive in the Evil Empire.
"While his actions are criminal, the guy brought in money slightly faster than the company could piss away, " said
Philini. "And it is not as if we are above f--king over clients and governmental agencies to stay in business."
"Nothing else has worked for us."