Written by Don Pitts
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Topics: Golf, Advertising

Friday, 8 April 2005

image for Buick Dumps Tiger, Takes Wie

In a surprise move General Motors has announced the signing of 15-year-old golf phenom Michelle Wie to endorse their automobiles. She will replace present spokesman Tiger Woods, who recently assaulted a top advertising photographer taking still shots. GM spokesman Daniel Oldfart explained "We don't know what got into Tiger. It wasn't a tournament, just a photo session. He heard the camera click and went postal."

Oldfart continued: "Tiger was nearing the end of his usefulness anyway. We'd hoped to expand our clientele with Tiger, but look at the numbers. When we started with Tiger, the typical Buick owner was a 60-year-old white person who couldn't drive well. Now the typical Buick owner is a 68-year-old white person who drives even worse. We thought Tiger was a cool black guy who could sell to cool black guys, but finally realized nobody in our department had a clue how to recognize a cool black guy and Tiger definitely wasn't one. Turns out no cool black guy would be caught dead in a Buick."

"Michelle will be a great spokesperson for Buick. Ok, she's only 15 and can't drive, but neither can our typical owners who are out there logging thousands of miles at 20 mph every day! She adds the underage Oriental eye-candy factor, and as you know, a lot of those old guys are big pervs for that kind of stuff. She certainly won't alienate the clientele we've already got; she's cute, she plays golf, and she isn't poor."

"Honestly, we were a bit worried with Tiger driving around in a Buick. He occasionally took the speed above 50 mph, and we didn't design the vehicle for that kind of abuse. Also, Tiger's a skilled driver; too good for a Buick. We needed someone who drove more like our clientele. You know, someone who can go 300 miles with a blinker on, sit through green lights, tie up traffic for miles, drive on sidewalks, and run stop signs for the hell of it. Michelle's our girl! She's never had a driving lesson in her life, and even if she does, hey, she is oriental."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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