Written by Chuck Terzella
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Thursday, 7 April 2005

image for China's Secret Textile Plot: Exposing the United States to Embarrassment.
The Revolution Will Not Be Televised...Thank God

The United States has uncovered a sinister plot by what one member of the Bush Administration termed "those perfidious running dog wannabes", in other words the Peoples Republic of China, to flood the US market with Chinese manufactured textiles and clothing at incredibly cheap prices with the aim of collapsing all American clothing manufacturing. Once this occurs, then Beijing will suddenly cut off all exports of clothing with the aim of leaving the American people literally exposed. Once Americans are naked, the theory goes, then President George W. Bush's plans for peaceful world domination...uh, democratization, will suffer a serious setback.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, "This is the reason why we won't negotiate with Kim Jong Il; you just can't trust those people. That's what we in the White House and George Bush believe, at least that's what we think he believes. Every time we try to bring it up he starts going on about how you can't trust anyone who eats raw fish and likes it."

When informed that it's Japanese who eat sushi, not Koreans, Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of even more anonymity said, "Why the hell do you always have to point that stuff out? Do you actually think that anybody cares about your politically correct crap? Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, do you think that George Bush lets a guys nationality get in the way of a good Liberation? That would be racist. Anyway, we're talking about textiles, not raw fish. Are you gonna tell me you want George Bush to ignore a bunch of naked Americans? I know freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose, but given America's obesity problem I think you'll agree that's a little too much freedom."

When asked as an aside if George Bush was upset about the fact that tens of thousands of textile workers were going to lose their jobs as a result of this latest advancement in the global economy Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that he's the most anonymous person in the world replied, "Stay on point, would you? George Bush hasn't cost anyone their jobs...he's just re-arranged them. People are still out there making your stupid two dollar WalMart shirts, they just happened to be named Wong and Chou now, not Greenwood or Tyler. Tyler and Greenwood are now working good, honest jobs flipping burgers and washing cars. Sure they make twenty or thirty thousand dollars less a year, but their shirts only cost two dollars at WalMart as opposed to twenty dollars before, so it all works out in the end."

When pressed (get it? Pressed...I kill myself sometimes) as to how the Bush Administration plans to counteract the Chinese plot to dominate the two dollar shirt market Waterhouse, speaking on the condition that he was really getting tired of this article said, "We're going to slap a bunch of tariffs on two dollar Communist shirts until they cost twenty dollars, thereby leveling the playing field. Of course, by that time there won't be any American textile industry to play on that field but that's okay too. We'll just buy our shirts from Mexico."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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