H&R Block today reported that the company is initiating a search for a new general counsel after its current top attorney, Brian "The Scapegoat" Woram, will get the f--k out of Dodge as of July 2 for a "new leadership opportunity."
Since joining H&R Block twenty minutes ago, Woram has made several significant company contributions. "His approach made him an contributor in helping our senior leadership team ham-fist the company's three-year plan, which we call 'The Road to Insolvency'," said Russ Smyth, H&R Block's CEO-Du-Jour, while hurriedly packing the contents of his office into empty computer paper boxes.
"He played a role in the settlement between RSM and McGladrey & Pullen, before I had to testify under oath in depositions, because, well, that'd be a fustercluck, right?"
"He also directing the legal team in attempting to settle the 34,2882 outstanding litigation matters against us," said Smyth . . ., er, Belushi. "And we'll be blaming him for sh-t the minute he drives out of the parking lot! Express IRAs, Rapid Refund charges, improper sale of Peace of Mind insurance, it'll all be Woram's fault.
"Hell, we'd blame him for f-cking up Option One if we could."
The most important role corporate General Counsel takes on --besides scribbling "Attorney Work Product" across every damning memo he finds-- is leading a corporation's search for a new CEO, something H&R Block does every 11 months or so.
"Yeah, we're about due," said H&R Block Chairman Dick Breeden. "Hell, we build $150 million into each year's budget just for Executive Severance.
Breeden continued: "Yeah, Tom Bloch, Mark Ernst, Harry Buckley, Alan Bennett, Frank Salizzoni, Richard H. Brown. They come in wide-eyed and full of ideas. We use them up like fuel and send them on their way with a bright-green Mark of Cain on their resume and $2.6 million in their wallets."
We Used To Got People!!!
About H&R Block H&R Block Inc. (SUX: 10.65, -6.06, -34.37%) is one of the world's largest employers of persons 80 years-old and above, having overcharged for more than 550 million tax returns since 1955. In fiscal 2010, H&R Block turned over to Intuit more than $3.9 billion and prepared more than 23 million tax returns less than in 2009, exploiting more than 100,000 highly trained tax professionals. The Company provides tax return preparation services in person, through "Not Tax Cut" online and desktop software products, and even prepared 11 or 12 returns for Latino clients. The Company also used to own Compuserve. Do you believe that? For more information visit our Online Press Center at www.libertytax.web.
NOTE: This news article contains forward-looking statements, something which the Company has no experience doing. These forward looking statement are not historical facts. In fact, these are just the fantasies of a company whose business model predates disposable razors. These forward-looking statements are based upon the Company's wishful thinking and fervent belief that, if they wish hard enough, and are good little boys and girls, and met clients at the door within five (5) seconds, changing the name of the TaxCut software will make it competitive with Turbo Tax. There can be no assurance that such expectations will prove to be correct. In fact, we assure you it won't.