Written by Eloquent Prattle
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Topics: Food, Fast Food

Friday, 25 March 2005

In an effort to maintain their position as a leader in the fast food world, Wendy's is expanding their healthy menu to include human body parts. "We're excited about our new line of 'finger food'", explained Wendy's spokesperson, Bart Thomas, who is no relation to Dave Thomas. "Human flesh is actually extremely low carb and packed with nutritious vitamins!"

Wendy's introduced their "Finger Food Chili" on Tuesday, which contains human fingers. "I wasn't sure what I was eating at first, but after spitting it out, I realized it was a human finger!" Says Donna Williams of San Francisco, California, the introduction site for Wendy's new healthy campaign. "I was disgusted at first, but after I learned I could lose weight and lower my cholesterol through cannibalism, it didn't seem like such a sick idea!"

Wendy's is not currently disclosing where they are obtaining supplies for their new 'Tastes Familiar, Yet Different' campaign involving human flesh as a main ingredient in burgers, salads, chili, and chicken strips.

"Consider it the same confidentiality as 'Colonel's Original recipe' or 'McDonalds Secret Sauce'." Explained Thomas, early Friday morning from his office at the Wendy’s headquarters in Dublin, Ohio. "We're here to give people options and I believe healthy eating can come in many forms."

"I wasn't sure about feeding chicken to my kids that didn't come from a chicken, you know? So, I tried it first and the 'Chuck's Chicken Nuggets' really do taste like chicken explained Hank O'Leary, at A Taste of Ohio, where restaurants can test new products to predict how well the public will respond in the open market. "It might take some coaxing to convince the wife, but heck, me and the kids are sold!"

When asked to comment if Dave Thomas would approve of such a practice, Bart Thomas replied, "Dave put a little of himself into each Combo Meal. I believe Dave would be proud of the quality and options we have offered our customers. In fact, we're asking each employee to go the extra mile and put a little of themselves into each meal. It helps personalize our service."

Wendy's plans to expand their menu in the near future to appeal to a more sophisticated palette. "Finger food isn't for everyone," explained Thomas, as he gestured with his left stump, "We're working on a line of pate' made from organ donors as we speak. The generosity of American's is overwhelming! Dave (Thomas) would be proud."

The new pate' options will be marketed this summer through Wendy's Catering.

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