New Orleans, LA - BP has hired a dozen clowns to replace Tony Hayward as BP's official company spokespersons. Said the Chairman of BP in announcing this change, "We figure at least with clowns, they won't be held to any higher a standard of scrutiny than our Tony."
The change comes after reports flooded the airways that Hayward abandoned his post at the site of the Gulf oil spill to attend yacht races over the weekend in the Isle of Wight. BP says it is sending Hayward off on a quick business trip to Russia to assure them that BP is as vital a company as it's ever been, and then he'll take a short, well-deserved holiday over in Florida to enjoy the beaches before the oil and the hurricanes hit.
When asked bluntly by one reporter just what the hell is going on, Hayward issued this statement, "Look, it's summer and I've always taken nice long relaxing holidays in summer. Since I've been banished to this hell hole of a country, my quality of life has been severely diminished. I thought I'd take advantage of one of its bright spots, Florida, before that blasted oil ruins it as well." While most Floridians say "the hell you will," Florida's Governor Charlie Christ welcomes the tourist dollars.
In the meantime, the new clown spokespersons will appear at various venues throughout the Gulf coast in an effort to further keep the Americans placated as BP executives try and figure out their next move.