Written by Gary Midgeley
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Topics: Toys, laser, lightsaber

Thursday, 17 June 2010

image for Deadly Laser Toy Hits Shelves
Laser being used on a friend as a joke

A handheld laser likened to a Star Wars lightsabre and so powerful it can instantly blind and "set fire to skin and other body parts" can be bought online and shipped to the UK.

The device, with a beam 1,000 times stronger than sunlight on the skin, is touted by makers as "the most dangerous laser ever created".

Star Wars fans are among hundreds of people who have already shown an interest in buying the laser, but as news spreads of it's existence, so does it's popularity and it's being highly recommended, "I bought one for my sons birthday and he hasn't put it down" said proud dad, Ken Neville, "He's blinded the cat, torched the dog, boiled his fish, set light to his school, maimed at least eight of his friends, melting one of his friends faces clean off, oh and he's caused five pile ups and downed an impressive nineteen aircraft all on just two AA batteries-and he's only had it three hours, bless him, he loves it".

Even with all the warnings that this laser will cause permanent blindness, burn skin off, cause cancer and even down aircraft, people in the UK are eager to get their hands on it, "I can't wait to get one for my out of control teen, he's been costing me a fortune in matches, lighters, petrol and knives" said keen mum Vicky Pollard, but the laser hasn't received a warm welcome from all as trading standards chiefs have warned against the sale of the laser and have called for it to be banned in the UK.

A spokesman for the Hong-Kong based maker of the laser quickly came out in its defence, "It's true this 1W laser is the most powerful portable laser in the world and extremely, extremely dangerous and true it will cause cancer, blindness, burn skin off, set light to things and cause planes to crash, BUT you will look cool and feel like a real Jedi, so I think you'll agree, the good far outweighs the bad". When asked on his thoughts about the potential ban of the laser in the UK he said "That's just more proof of health and safety gone mad in Britain, a nanny nation".

Other controversial products produced by the lasers maker include 'athletes foot bomb cream', 'essence of anthrax body spray and talc' and the extremely popular 'bomber jacket', filled with real bombs and all this has caused many to become suspicious of the makers intentions and generated numerous accusations about them, but the maker denies encouraging any sort of terrorism, "All our products are just for fun that's all, we don't make our products to hurt and maim people and we do not encourage terrorism" claimed one of the makers shareholders, Mr. Mohammed Ahmed 'Death To The West' Gehard.

Banned in the UK or not, the lasers will continue to be sold on websites and shipped to the UK, priced at £135.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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