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Thursday, 3 June 2010

image for "You're more likely to get run-over than get a mortgage" admit banks
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A leading high street lender has admitted you are more likely to be run over than get a mortgage approved with their bank, and only slightly less likely to die in the bath.

Banks appear to be 'advertising their wares' more than ever but an insider told us "we're just pretending we want more customers, but in reality we can't stand them. Have you seen the number of people queuing up on a Saturday morning with their petty requests? We can't stand it."

Latest banking figures support this view. Whilst one bank claims to of given 'mortgage advice' to 160,000 people, only 25 mortgages were actually approved - either to senior employees or members of parliament. The other 159,975 applicants were effectively 'sent packing' with a handful of useless home insurance quotes.

One director confided - "We don't want riff-raff in here smelling the place out, but we do want to keep the government sweet in case we need more bail-out 'wonga'. If they think we're 'helping the community' and all that jazz, my bonus will be a piece of cake."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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