In breaking news, the FTSE has rocketed fifty points after a statement from Secetary of State Condoleeza Rice that the world is due to end "any time now".
The good news was first uncovered by a team at the London School of Economics. "We had the same software as the US Department of Commerce," said Hugo Brown. "We were running simulations using different input variables and trying to find one that generated the current US economic policies, and this was the only scenario that fitted. We rang them up and asked them, and they came back to us and said, yeah, fair do's, you got us bang to rights guv'nor."
"Up until then we hadn't really understood what was happening," said Brown. "We'd seen them consistently cutting back on everything to do with future investment and moving all the funds into short-term high-risk bonds, right across the board. They were letting the budget deficit go to hell, moving manufacturing jobs to China, keeping oil consumption high, increasing their reliance on foreign skills - it seemed insane."
"But now we know about the World ending, it's a great relief. We were beginning to get really quite worried."
The USDoC went public one hour after the call from the LSE.
"We need citizens to realise the importance of transferring their long-term health and pensions investments into speculative stock market bonds that will generate quick bonuses for company executives," said Alan Greenspan. "We are plannning to create a short-term boom, with the inevitable crash coming some time after after "World End" "
"Bush's new welfare reform bill seems a perfect step in this direction," he added.
Greenpeace today seemed unsure how to react to the news. "Well, the US position on the Kyoto Treaty suddenly seems to make sense, now, doesn't it? Damn. I think we'll need some time to rethink our position on a few things, could we get back to you tomorrow?"
Challenged as to what would happen if the world did NOT end, Rice conceded, "That could be unfortunate, yes. But we have a lot of nuclear weapons and a contingency plan to stop that happening."