ROGERS, AR - The WalMart Corporation today announced they are beginning construction on exclusive apartments, condominiums and offices to be located atop their popular super stores.
"We're proud to announce that people will soon be able to live, work and shop in one location without ever having to leave the building," said WalMart CEO H. Lee Scott, Jr. "Our WalMart Super Cities promise to be one of our most profit-generating investments ever."
Scott added that the giant corporation plans a special section on the second floors of the large towers for "employee efficiency dwellings" designed much like the popular cylindrical sleepers currently available in Japanese hotels.
"We were going to charge our employees $1,000 a month rent for these exceptionally efficient sleeping tubes," said Scott, "but we've recently rolled back the price to $999.86 because our employees work very hard for their minimal wages and they deserve special consideration."
As it will be a mandatory rule of employment for all WalMart Super City workers to live on-site in a tower location, Scott stated that they will also issue employees "five dollars per week in McDonald's Happy Meal certificates as a gesture of goodwill and appreciation for their intense loyalty to the company."
WalMart, once considered an icon of retail industry, has recently experienced decreased sales due to bad press surrounding a Canadian store closure in a union busting effort, and numerous discrimination lawsuits continue to plague the corporation. WalMart's Board of Directors feel this new real estate venture will be wildly popular and cause a profits explosion because of its innovative "life shop" structure. One board member cited that "being able to monitor all workers' activities both on and off the sales floor via closed-circuit cameras will also put an end to these silly notions that we mistreat our sales staff."
"In large urban areas, we'll be developing even more WalMart Super Cities," said WalMart president Jack Shewmaker. "In smaller towns, we'll be purchasing entire counties and bulldozing existing homes and small businesses to enable WalMart Super Cities to dot the peaceful country landscapes."
Also planned for the WalMart Super City towers are exclusive, state-of-the-art health clubs, HMOs, nightclubs and five-star restaurants. Tower roofs will feature nature parks and playgrounds designed with Astro Turf, Disneyesque fiberglass trees and boulders, and easy-care silk flowers, the latter provided exclusively from the craft departments of WalMart stores.
"This is truly an exciting time for WalMart," said Scott.