BP announced today that it has changed its name from Beyond Petroleum to Beyond Pankton. This was greeted with bewilderment by the press who wondered how this could possibly help the company's image, especially at a time like this.
Public relations officer, Olive Black, was quick to point out that not only does BP have employees with families who like a day on the beach, "... but we are also a caring company who likes to share our product with all species."
When asked about the dying birds and fish Olive went on to say that "BP operates in and respects the principles of Democracy. Even as we speak the bacteria in the water are feeding on the oil which is evidenced by them sucking the oxygen out of the water. While there will be seemingly many species who will be disadvantaged by suffocating to death, bacteria are more successful on the metrics of biomass, sheer numbers, genetic information and diversity. What ever way you look at it the bacteria win the vote by having a big YES to oil."
When Olive was asked how President Obama would react to the greater than expected damage to the American economy Olive calmly replied that Obama and the other G20 leaders will be eternally grateful to BP for giving them a rock solid excuse for the double dip recession which is just around the corner. Grease not Greece, she emphasised.
Ms Blacks voice became more shrill as she went on to explain that she had been visited in her dreams by the Angel Araqiel who told her that it was the bacteria that had made the oil in the first place, something that will be announced by the scientific community in a few years to come. Now that the industrial world had completed its secret purpose the bacteria were going to feast on what was left.
Ms Black was eventually carried away by some quietly spoken men wearing white coats.