Washington, DC, and Detroit, MI--The Big Three automakers today announced that they have developed a revolutionary car that will drive itself.
Similar to the horses of the Old West, which would carry home drunken cowboys who fell across the saddle and slapped the horn before sinking into unconsciousness, these cars will enable stressed-out and overworked Americans to fall into the front (bench) seat, hit the horn, and be transported home with their eyes shut. One caveat: there can be no talking, no music, and no cell phones.
A sophisticated computer tracking system will enable the cars to merge onto highways, stop at lights, yield or go at stop signs, and remember their addresses >95% of the time without any assistance or even signs of consciousness or a pulse from the driver. All the cars need to operate is the initial horn blast and then...silence.
President Bush hailed the news as good for America on many fronts. "These new cars will immediately rid America of those toxic vermin otherwise known as trial lawyers," he proclaimed. "Now that drivers are alseep or unconscious, they are not responsible for their actions. You can't sue a car, can you? Huh, can you? Can you? Bring it on!"
He added, "Now, Americans can stay later at work and work many more hours every day because they don't have to worry about being alert on the roads. They'll get their sleeping down on the roads and can report alert to their second and third jobs to keep this economy humming and pay for my many important programs."
The pharmaceutical industry and Walmart both responded positively to the announcement.
"It sort of reminds me of the old days in the Wild Wild West," the President reminisced. The automakers, responding to his nostalgia, are considering naming and painting some of the new cars after horses. Choices under consideration include the Black Stallion, the Dappled Appaloosa, the White Arabian, and the Cream Shetland.
Certain state governments expressed cautious optimism, saying that there was no way the automatic cars could drive any worse than some of the residents currently on the road. They also look forward to slashing the staffing at the various departments of motor vehicles.
Shares of the Big Three automakers galloped to new highs on Wall Street, leaving industry analysts agape, aghast, and in the dust.