Marketing Director for beleaguered giant oil company BP announced a new "Harvest Your Own Oil" program for US consumers. Newly employed, Mr. Matthews stated that the problem with deep sea oil has previously been that it is "deep down in the sea," but that thanks to BP's recent technological advances, "that is no longer the case."
"Now," he said, "we have lots of surface oil that anyone with two, or even one hand, can harvest themselves." Matthews explained that American consumers are always enthused with "do-it-yourself" projects and other harvesting programs such as "pick-your-own" fruits and vegetables. "Now," he said, "the American consumer can harvest his or her own crude oil."
For just a few dollars a gallon, people can come out with bleach bottles or milk cartons or whatever, and get their own crude. For everyone who has been asking how to help with cleaning up the Gulf oil spill, Mathews explained that this program will do that too. Volunteerism and self sufficiency at the same time. When asked by this reporter if the program "Would be killing two birds with one stone?" Matthews twisted his face in a very uncharitable expression and said "No, not at all, poor choice of words."
A more detailed explanation of the program will be available from corporate shortly and will be released to all news media.