Following a week of prosecutorial investigation, a single man was identified at the core of the Goldman Sachs controversy, and is now at the center of a federal probe.
Bernie "The Bookie" Goldman, who hasn't set foot in a Goldman Sachs office building in 20 years, was found in a Boca Raton retirement community and brought back to Washington for further questioning. The travel was made all the more difficult because of a massive growth, literally the size of a watermelon, hanging between Goldman's legs.
First thought of as a medical condition, Goldman refused a hospital examination citing personal and financial reasons. Hearing the words "financial reasons" was enough for Federal prosecutors, who then insisted on probing Goldman's sack personally.
"It was quite interesting", said lead investigator, Dirk Poore, "he actually had a zipper installed on his nut sack. Once we gave is a tug, a massive stash of gold Krugerrands came spilling out onto the floor". Questioned as to why he stashed gold in his sack, Goldman replied, "What, you think I'm actually going to put money in this market?".
When questioned about his legacy business practices, the former bookie replied, "You make a bet and then you lay it off to balance the risk. For every poor slob betting on a horse to win, there is another poor slob willing to bet against the same horse. This ain't rocket science, you know. It really is that simple. We're just bookies."
Though still under investigation, Goldman was seen at a Washington medical supply outlet, picking up a customized walker with a shelf installed just below his inseam. Goldman can now walk more comfortably, having a place to rest his balls, and his gold.