Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Pornography, SEC

Friday, 23 April 2010

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Porn Freely Available for the Office Lizards of the SEC

Several recent news reports have unveiled a little known employment benefit at the Securities and Exchange Commission. Regardless of boom or bust conditions in the banking industry or in the open stock market, you can apparently surf porn sites at your leisure.

"We don't include that in our recruiting packet", says SEC Human Resource Director, Richard Stroker, "but our team does enjoy wide open access to the Internet along with a generous expense account for subscriptions". Stroker added, "Oh, and please call me Dick".

While subscription funding was intended for use on financial industry magazines and newsletters, SEC employees have been allowed to divert the money into website subscriptions of a different sort. "Many of us also subscribe to the Designer Tissue Box of the Month Club", says SEC financial analyst, Myron Pimples. "Many of the boys fall victim to runny….", Pimples paused a moment, "Noses! We have runny noses quite often. Yes, that's it".

Women analysts at the SEC are thankful that they each have a private office with the ability to close and lock the door. "Not just to surf on our own, mind you", says stock analyst Trisha Dishman. "We would never entertain the thought of using somebody else's computer, and we'd like to protect our own. If the office were illuminated with black lights, it would look like a neon rave party around here. There are spots on the ceiling tiles for God sakes."

Monthly subscription benefits per employee are reported to cap off at $50, which in today's pornography market, "buys a lot of premium porn", says Stroker. "But we will clearly need to reiterate to our male employees to do a better job cleaning up after themselves. We would like to make the workplace a comfortable, clean, and harassment free environment. That's why we are eliminating wet t-shits Wednesdays and monthly dwarf tossing events from our annual calendar".

In a related story, Stroker was seen wandering the streets of Manhattan hours after our interview, carrying a box of personal effects and an extra large bottle of camphor-free hand lotion.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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