Strong sales of its iPhone and Macintosh computers helped Apple egos to leap by 90% in the first quarter of 2010.
iPhone users head size increased on average by 49% in the three months to 27 March. Apple said it sold about nine million of its popular smart phones - more than double the figure from a year earlier, due to egos needing to be boosted.
And it shipped almost three million Macs and about ten million iPods, due to the state of people's confidence over how they may look for summer. The period did not include the iPad launch, which is to be used for feminine hygiene.
Apple chief executive Steve 'Big' Jobs said the results were "our best non-holiday ego0boost ever".
The head size increases were well ahead of market expectations, and sent its shares about 6% higher. Apple sold more than 300,000 iPads, on its launch day in the US, mainly due to a hormonal change in the women present. The towel goes on sale in Europe next month.
"We have several more extraordinary pieces of overpriced, egotistical crap in the pipeline for this year," Mr Hob Nob added.