Written by Stu B
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Topics: Eating, cliff

Thursday, 6 January 2005

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ATKINS MY ARSE (Picture pixelated to protect the Lardy)

Cliff Sourkins VP of the UK region for Communications Company AYAVA was today unceremoniously removed from his role. Allegedly after auditors discovered a 2.3miilion pound irregularity in the regions accounts due to his unauthorised purchase and subsequent consumption of a vast number of pies.

Delight, Touchy, Ross, Cromarty, Dogger, a well known firm of auditors were called in last month at the request of CEO Dan Patterson. This action was due in no small part to the discovery of a £750,000 bill from the Guildford branch of Three Cook bakeries for an assortment of Pasties, bakes and traditional pie based foodstuffs.

In a hurried statement put out from the Ayava HQ in Bonking Fridge New Jersey, CEO Patterson cited Sourkins departure to be "a sad day for us all, especially for the canteen staff of the Guildford office who will now not be putting in quite so much overtime"

Security guards escorted the disgraced VP from his office, maintenance having already enlarged the door frames to accommodate his ever expanding ego, which was eventually hoisted out through a window. Confused staff looked on. Wails of sadness and cries of despair were heard from the visiting Bowyers Vending Rep and the in house pastry Chef.

Rumours that the financial overruns had been funded by non payment of due sales commissions were flatly denied by Ayava's press office, accompanied by frantic nods from passing Account Execs.

The hunt is now for his successor. Dan Patterson confirmed "We are looking to appoint someone swiftly as we move into the defining stage of our growth strategy. Who could fill Cliff's seat is a question we are all asking ourselves?…The answer is probably three whole families and the overnight staff of the Wantage Tesco Extra but that isn't the point"

Many partners of Ayava were quietly pleased to see the back of Sourkins as a number, who wished to remain nameless, told The Spoof today of his habit of turning up unannounced at their offices and breaking the sofas in their reception.

Later, Sourkins issued a statement, written in lard on a discarded bag of chips stating that he would spend some time with his family and contemplate his future but to keep things ticking over would take up a position at the Cornish Pasty Stand at King Cross Station.

In possibly unrelated news the share price of food company Ginsters fell 2% on early trading

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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