Shares of Horny Goat Pharmaceuticals skyrocketed on the announcement that the next generation of Liagra had met F.D.A approval. "Liagra II will change the dating, marriage and bar hopping universe as we know it and we expect our profits to engorge and erupt beyond anyone's fantasy." Official spokesperson Tiger Woods spurted and live video streamed.
The fast selling Liagra is known to not only outperform all other erectile dysfunction drugs and supplements but also convinces those who take it that their partners are not really obese perspiration soaked even-toed ungulates. There is a God Kirstie Alley. The revolutionary new drug picks up where Liagra leaves off by allowing the person taking it to see the potential partner's past sexual history.
Prior to taking the pill the $69 software is loaded and the effect creates color coded pixels that appear on the potential cuff's digital image. The software is to be used in conjunction with the pill which when administered brings the effect live.
Next time you see someone taking your picture with their cell phone you'll understand why.
The proprietary coding is dependant on 'with man', 'with woman', 'anal' and 'oral' distinguished by whether they spit or swallow. Color blindness can be screened. A red faced Tiger growled with approval but then came his disclaimer. "My wife counts my dots every cuffin day before I leave and then counts them when I return; what a drag."
Barney Frank hailed the new drug as the perfect way to gauge the success of his 'Leave no Child's Behind" initiative.
The only stumbling block during testing and feedback sessions were the concerns about masturbation. Bowing to the majority the masturbation feature was re written as a filter upgrade to the delight of 'baters everywhere. When pressed for the technological ability to develop such an item CEO, President, and sole stockholder Ti Cuff offered this.
"Oh that was easy. We installed our data collection device in to every cell phone manufactured in the world since 2001 as well as every digital camera. The device not only captures DNA from sweaty ears but also conversation. The key feature is it accesses the ninety percent of the human brain most people don't use which contains every action and thought we ever had. We capture scans of the dopamine spikes in the brain that only orgasm can produce. All this data is collected into our DNA specified servers where we currently have six and one half billion entries. Let me tell you something. I can not only tell you when Bin laden had sex last but with which camel; it is that accurate."
Additional positives of Liagra II allows subscribers to identify the cell number of anyone in a bar using the GPS chip required by law; call it the Dick Cheney Shotgun effect. Another bonus is that subscribers that visit internet dating sites will have up to date pictures, ages, and of course face and figure to go along with the specifics of their sexual past. When pressed on the obvious violation of privacy.
"Do the math. First off I agreed to supply Liagra for free as a part of Obama's stimulus stimulus and in return my company does not have to pay taxes; ever. Stock price opened today at $69 and at closing was $699.00 with after hours trading kicking $1000's ass. By the time the first lawsuit shows up I'll have bought Dubai and be able to bribe away extradition. What a country; us that is."
Soon to come from Horny Goat: Liagra III the cure to the first two.