Questions were asked in the House today demanding to know from the Prime Minister how it could possibly have occurred that an utterly useless twat made £5.6 million in bonuses, on top of his salary in a recession?
The Prime Minister fannied about for a bit at the despatch box before admitting that he really didn't have a fucking clue how such a thing could have come about.
Here at SMU News we can bring you the answer. Because we managed to contact the man in question via an unnamed third party.
The man insisted that we call him Mister Ticklefeather, before going on to admit that he really is an utterly useless twat, a complete shit, and a gold-medal winning wanker.
He told us that he couldn't reveal the nature of the business which paid out such extravagant bonuses to a bunch of pustulant pricks, but did acknowledge that the work he did involved moving vast quantities of money about.
He went on to explain that because not a single soul on Earth understands how his business works, it's nigh on impossible to fuck it up, and that even if you do lose vast amounts of money, you just go out and get some more from somewhere else.
He explained that occasionally, members of his profession were hauled before the courts and prosecuted, but that was basically just for show.
It appears that Mister Ticklefeather can never lose, because the law allows him to take advantage of his customers in order to recoup money which he'd previously lost. Somehow.
Failing that there was always the government and the IMF to bail him out when he fucked up.
Here at SMU News we have a term we use for the likes of Mister Ticklefeather and his ilk.
More as we get it.