Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: sex toys

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

image for Hugh Jarekshun Named CEO of ACME Latex Novelty Company

Following a highly publicized and viscous ouster of former president and CEO, Ty Neepudd from the world's largest adult toy manufacturer, the ACME Latex Novelty board of directors has named former adult film director, writer and star, Hugh Jarekshun, as the new head of operations.

Falling under recent criticism from consumer markets both in the U.S. as well as overseas for not updating their product lines in recent years, The ACME board took action this morning to massage the organizational chart and elevate the new head man. "We engaged in oral discourse, ran the idea up the old flagpole, and stood back to see what would stick to the drapes", said Arti Fishelbone from the board.

Wall Street seemed to support the leadership change as well. Where shares of the stock had been trading for less than $57 in yesterday's trading, it jumped to $69.69 after the Jarekshun announcement. Confusing some late comer investors who were not aware of the company's name change just a year before, the stock rose again once they realized the correct stock symbol was based on the former company name; ACME Novelty and Latex Company or ANAL on the NASDAQ market. "It was a good day to be into ANAL", said one floor trader who walked as if he had just been riding dressage.

"We feel that this decision was hard and enormous, but engorged our board with feelings and expectations of prosperity. Getting rid of Ty Neepudd in favor of Hugh Jarekshun left us all quite satisfied", said Fishelbone while outside, having a smoke.

New products are expected in the marketplace within the next 6 months, based largely on Jarekshun's clay molded pecker. A mainstay on film through the late 80's, Jarekshun's photogenic asset was often referred to as the "Pole of Perfection" by his female co-stars.

In a related story, latex rubber supplier American Textured Molding stock saw gains in expectation of increased contract business with ACME. ATM, normally not a highly popular stock, saw a reluctant increase of activity based on the promise of higher profits for those who took the risk.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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