New York -- Wall Street analysts conferred with Vatican officials last week concerning the status of one of the Internet's most popular brands. It was announced early this morning that Google is the Messiah.
"All glory, laud and honor to Google," prayed Cardinal John Paul Hackenkreuz of the New York Archdiocese. "Blessed is He who comes with all relevant search results and glory to his stock options, for truly he is the Messiah!"
"Our first clue was when the search engine walked on water last week," said Wall Street analyst Harold Von Schtupp. "That and when it was able to find over 150,000 websites about blancmange. We put in a call to the Vatican and they confirmed the signs of divinity."
Investors and Net surfers alike are being advised to "Bow before Google and offer burnt offerings unto it, lest ye be cast into the lake of fire prepared for Satan and his minions," according to an advance bulletin from Google's corporate offices.
Google has announced that, by this time next week, all heathen search engines shall be purged from the earth. God, who is not a search engine, was unaailable for comment.