Tonight's Brit Awards, to be broadcast live from Earls Court promise all kinds of surprises, as they have in the past, with Jarvis Cocker showing Michael Jackson his arse as a prime example, although that is unlikely to happen again, on account of Jacko being dead.
What comes as no surprise, as it's already been announced, is that Robbie Williams has won the Outstanding Contribution To Music Award and will perform a medley of his greatest hits, providing his eyeballs behave themselves and he doesn't suffer any door opening malfunctions.
What hasn't been announced, according to our inside man, is that host Peter Kay, star of Phoenix Nights, has threatened to slap anybody who refers to him as a 'roly-poly comedian from Bolton'. Kay apparently doesn't like this kind of pigeon-holing, and will also be keen to emphasise that unlike his namesake and homeboy, Vernon Kay, he hasn't been having text sex with topless glamour models.
The show will also feature a live performance by the nation's sweetheart, Cheryl Cole out of Girls Aloud, in spite of a reported rocky patch in her marriage. Our insider tells us that plans have been scrapped for 5'3" Cheryl to sing 'Walk Tall' as it seems a tad twee. Mrs Cole has also scrapped plans to perform the Blondie classic 'Call Me' and a reworking of the Tom Jones number 'Text Bomb.' 'Stand By Your Man' was also quickly dismissed as an option and Cheryl is expected to play it safe and lip-synch 'live' her latest single 'Parachute.'
It's going to be a showstopping performance from Lady Gaga, we are reliably informed, as it always is. Lady Gaga's people hotly denied that her elaborate stage shows are carefully contrived to mask a not very pretty face and a discernible lack of talent. Despite how much the critics big her up.
Also involved will be Florence And The Machine, Pixie Lott, Jay-Z and Lily Allen.
The Spice Girls are not expected to attend because they have reportedly lost their Mojo and can't find it anywhere. Besides which, Becks is playing at the San Siro against old club, Manchester United, so Posh has a prior engagement.
John Terry won't be involved either because he's busy playing happy families in Dubai and counting his loose change after leaving a sizeable tip for lingerie model Vanessa Perroncel. Who is French.
Peter Kay will be supplied with an umbrella on the way into Earls Court in case it starts spitting.
More as we get it.