General Motors Corporation tauted the immediate release of it newest line of high tech vehicles designed for the increasing complex demands of the environmentally conscious consumer and new federal green technologies regulations.
According to a Company spokesman, "The new biodegradable car will return GM to international prominence as a leader in innovative automobile technologies, and position the Company for increased market share in both the international and domestic markets."
"General Motors is doing what no other car company is doing," stated the official GM spokesperson.
"While our competitors have joined us in the development of improved fuel economy, hybrid engines, fuel cell, and electric drive train technologies, these are only proving to be short term solutions to the overall problem of green house gas emissions from private motor vehicles."
GM is taking the next step into the 21st Century and beyond by answering the question of reducing the environmental impact of operating motor vehicles and lowering the total environmental impact of the production, use, and eventual obsolescence of the automobile.
Their answer is as simple as it is revolutionary; The Biodegradable Car. The company expects the new line of biodegradable vehicles to revolutionize the automotive industry and open new vistas for the environmentally savvy consumer.
"Here at GM, environmental stewardship is job one."
According to a promotional video released by the Company, the biodegradable car will reduce overall carbon emissions by over 30% in the first year of operation alone. This percentage should increase to a 45% reduction in the second year, eventually leading to a complete 100% reduction in the fourth or fifth year of operation.
In the video, several test owners of biodegradable car prototypes heaped praise on the vehicles.
"At first I was skeptical about the green claims made by GM," said one test driver from Provo, Utah. "However, after just two weeks I noticed the seat covers were starting to split open and biodegrade almost right before my eyes. Next thing you know, the turn signals stop working, the check engine light comes on every time I get gas and the engine starts to lose power every time I go up hill or turn left. I am simply amazed at how quickly the car began to deteriorate."
Another test driver from Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania, claimed the carbon emissions from his vehicle were already near zero after just six months of ownership.
"Cars don't produce any carbon if you can't get it to go into reverse and take it out of the driveway," beamed the owner. "Just look at it sitting down there by the garage. It's biodegrading already! The quarter panels are falling off, the emergency brake is stuck on, and even if I could push it to the road, the design of the internal instrumentation is so counter intuitive it's just as easy to take the bus. Who was the genius who decided to put the light switch right by the door lock and the radio so far away from the driver you have to lay on the passenger seat to change a station?"
Representatives of Ford Motor Company were quick to dismiss the economic impact of the biodegradable car. "Biodegradable? If you ask me, GM has been making biodegradable cars for decades, they're pieces of junk. This is nothing more than a slick marketing campaign to distract the consumer into thinking GM's nefarious history of low quality is somehow a benefit.
"Ford Motor Company, on the other hand, is the true leader in environmentally friendly automobile production. The true key to reducing auto carbon emissions is based on reducing the actual amount of time consumers spend operating the vehicles, and this is where Ford leads the industry. For decades, our development teams have strove to make basic maintenance on our vehicles nearly impossible. You can't figure out where to put the fluids, and even if you find the spot, it's usually almost completely inaccessible. If you can even reach the fluid intake, you have to go out and search for the special Ford fluid that can only go into you car. Don't make a mistake! Every other car manufacturer on the planet uses just about the same chemical mixtures, but if you put them into a Ford it'll completed ruin the engine and void your warranty.
"The inability to perform basic maintenance and need to find extremely specific Ford compatible products means Ford maintenance tends to be neglected which directly leads to the reduction of carbon dioxide because your car isn't producing carbon dioxide when its sitting in the shop undergoing prohibitively expensive repairs. Add the into the mix the need to purchase Ford specific tools to do just about anything on one of of vehicles except opening the gas cap and you have the greenest cars on the road. Sure, you can buy a new headlight for a Ford on line for about $40. But, good luck finding the little crooked $125 screwdriver you need to adjust the lights. These innovations make Ford the premier green car company in the world. The saying 'Ford: Found On the Road Daily,' did not just happen by accident. We earned it."
Toyota Motors joined Ford in dismissing the revolutionary nature of the biodegradable car by highlighting Toyota's concern for "long term environmental solutions."
"Here at Toyota," the spokesman explained, "the traditional quality and durability of our vehicles has led some to contend we are not concerned about the environment. This is could not be further from the truth. While our American counterparts attempt to focus on reducing the levels of pollutants released into the atmosphere, Toyotas remain the cleanest cars on the market and are technologically years ahead of our nearest rivals. Toyota quality is not a hindrance to the environment, it is a benefit in that we are the only car producer to address the vital issues of recycling and global population reduction.
"The statistics could not be more clear; the more Toyotas on the road is directly proportional to the number of people who die on the road. Everyday, somewhere in the world a Toyota gas pedal sticks or gets stuck under a floor mat and drivers, passengers, and even a few innocent bystanders are reduced to piles broken bones and ripped flesh.
"If it's not the gas pedals do not get you, our drivers probably will. Our research indicates that Toyota drivers tend to think they are more intelligent than other drivers and then translate that into the theory that not only do they own the road, but are legally empowered to make up the rules of the road for their personal benefit. This leads to lots and lots of accidents and road fatalities, and each one of those fatalities prevents the thousands of tons carbon emissions those people would have inflicted on the ecosystem through the course of their lives from being produced.
"Even in fatal accidents, Toyotas tend to sustain relatively little damage. This makes it very easy to recycle the vehicle back into the auto market so it can reap a fiery carnage on yet another generation of drivers."