Newly-launched company 'The TV Killing Machine" promises to liberate you from energy-sucking television shows and eliminate TV stars, over-dramatic anchors of news channels and hyper-enthusiastic contestants of reality shows from your daily life.
Their sales pitch goes:
Wanna meet your real neighbors again?
You want your actual life back?
So many TV shows you don't really care about!
Improve your relationships. Get rid of soap queens, amateur singers, dancers and similar weirdos who don't even know who you are yet steal a substantial chunk of your life everyday.
Make the switch to TV free life!
Kill your TV set!
If you are sick and tired of your life becoming captive to a glowing rectangular box streaming images in your living room 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, it might be time to shut off your television set. But the trouble is you just can't suddenly stop watching your favorite TV shows that suck the life out of you. Simply shutting off your TV set might not end your addiction to the idiot box, since you will be tempted to switch it back on when you are too tired to use your brain for better purposes.
This is where the the TV killing company comes in the picture. All you have to do is give a call to the company and provide them with your home address. Within 24 hours, you will have employees from the company at your doorstep, who will then take away your TV set from your home and in exchange give you back the free time you lost to the idiot box. And the best part - the company promises to kill your TV set free of any cost!
Yes! Now you can kill your TV for free and reclaim back your life.
"Television is the biggest time vampire in modern society. What TV does is that it hypnotizes you. When you are watching TV, you are literally staring into space, doing next to nothing, achieving next to nothing. Through this service, we are helping people return back to real life." said Waltar Langdeyaar, one of three brains behind the project.
Gordan Tevekick, who handles communications said, "We have figured that most people are too stupid to use the OFF button on their television sets. We also think they are incapable of choosing the right channels to view and end up staring long hours watching inane garbage that no intelligent person should ever watch. So we know we have a large market of TV addicts who are too stupid to shut off their TV sets without outside intervention."
"So here's our plan. First through a viral campaign we make people believe that when they are watching television they are not living a real life. We sell to them the idea that by getting rid of TV they can magically improve their relationships and use their liberated hours time to learn stuff that will enrich their lives. We convince them that the only way they can live a real life is by killing off their television sets." said Danja Wussileave, who heads the marketing department of the company.
Since the service is free, how do they hope to recover their costs and earn profits from their endeavor? "Isn't it obvious? We don't actually kill the TV sets that we takeout from the homes of fatigued television viewers. We resell them to poor people in third world countries who haven't yet reached the stage where they feel TV is eating into their real lives or whose real life is so miserable that television actually helps them temporary escape from their misery."