Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Office related

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

image for Red Staplers Found to Cause Office Apathy
Red staplers, red phones, all affected.

Made famous from the original motion picture, Office Space, the infamous Swinglyne red stapler is back in the news, identified as a root cause of poor performance and general indifference for the office worker who owns the paper-to-paper attachment device.

Studies by M.I.T. professor Hayman Vatzagurl, suggested a direct connection between the red stapler and office worker performance, but the root cause could not be confirmed until now. Specific paint additives were found in about 75% of the staplers tested, that rub off to the skin during regular use. The additives, which contribute to the numbing of the mind and a general state of lethargy, were apparently the result of one disgruntled employee from a paint supply company, not affiliated in any way with Swinglyne.

"For years we thought the red staplers were a statement by the employee as to their negative feelings towards the workplace", says Vatzagurl. "Fans of the movie seemed to be simply emulating the Milton character. Now we know differently".

Since the announcement, red stapler sales have blown through the roof while office workers now actively seek to numb the mind and force a state of indifference. "When I need to detach from the work day", said one administrative assistant, "I'll run off about 50 multi page documents, staple them, and fade into the artificial wood tones of my tiny desk. Ahh."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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