Written by BCBass
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Tuesday, 12 January 2010

image for Rising Bankruptcies and Suicides Lead to Welcome Drops in Mass Layoff and Jobless Figures

First, the bad news. New economic reports issued by Automated Access to Court Electronic Records (AACER), a database of U.S. bankruptcy statistics used by attorneys and lenders, indicate that filings jumped 40 percent in May from a year ago as the sluggish U.S. economy pushed more businesses into the red.

Not coincidentally, the World Health Organization (WHO) reported an 8 percent rise in suicides nationwide, elevating the existing 17.7 percent suicide rate to nearly 30 percent.

But despite the slightly morose figures, this paints a much brighter picture of the ailing U.S. economy, as the data positively amends last month's unemployment numbers.

"Given the amount of suicides and business closures," said an elated Hume Bloergonett, report editor for the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, "we can happily say that the number of mass layoffs in November fell 23 percent compared with the same month last year on a seasonally adjusted basis. And related jobless claims could be seen as falling by 26.7 percent. These numbers alone surely prove that the recession is over and that American businesses [those still operating] will recover presently."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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