The leading manufacturer of toilet paper (a.k.k. toilet tissue, butt wipe, or bumm fodder) in the United States, is being sued by a consumer for "pain and suffering" after following directions printed on the package.
Irma Peepers of Tripoly, Wisconson claims that using the product as per instructions caused her grevious discomfort and embarrassment and that she should be compensated.
The manufacturer, which was not aware that there were even instructions on the packaging, assumed that, if there were, it would read something like "pull some off the roll, wipe your ass, and flush." They were shocked, however, to discover that someone, at some point, had put directions on their packaging.
Company spokesman Richard Pennywhistle said "We'd never even thought about directions, to be perfectly honest. People use toilet paper before they even know how to read. It's like putting instructions on a bottle of Coke that tell you to drink it. Our research shows that someone put this stuff on our packaging back in 1979 and it has gone unnoticed since then. We hope that no one else actually read and did these things."
Mrs. Peepers was asked why she would read the directions on the toilet paper package on this occasion, when she had never done so at any point in her previous fifty-three years. She responded that "I didn't have a magazine in there with me and there was nothing else to read."
The directions on the package which caused Ms. Peepers her pain and suffering read:
- Put the roll on the roller with the paper coming down over the front. If it is already on the roller with the paper draping down the back, take it off and yell loudly "some dumb shit doesn't know how to put on the papers!"
- While still pooping, roll off seven squares of paper and tuck them into that back of one of your shoes. You will walk out of the bathroom with this "kite tail" as a sign to people that you are now "not full of shit."
- Using a second roll of paper, wrap yourself up like a mummy underneath your clothes. This will make other people find you "squeezeably soft" and make you more attractive to the opposite sex.
- If there is an empty toilet paper tube in the trashcan beside the toilet, use it to masturbate.... loudly. Since this has previously held the world's softest tissue, there is no need for any extra lubrication. Make sure that you moan loudly, especially when you are using a public toilet or are in a crowded house or business.
- When you are finished defacating, gather sufficient papers in your hand and begin to wipe yourself.
- With each wipe, yell out a description of the feces (to include color and consistency and thickness). Give descending descriptions as the amount tapers down.
- Continue to wipe until no feces remains on the paper. Maker sure and wipe eleven more times, with increasingly larger amounts of product used each time.
- Make a butt plug from a handful of toilet paper to keep you clean and accident free. Insert as deep as you can.
- DO NOT FLUSH as everyone will want to see what you have done.
- As you leave the bathroom, loudly announce to everyone "I made poopie and I wiped all by myself."
Spokesman Richard Pennywhistly did say that the steps were not advisable and sounded ridiculous, but thought that following step seven would increase usage and sales of his product.