Written by Jalapenoman
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Thursday, 3 December 2009

image for Makers of Marmalade, Jam, and Preserves Sue Jelly Manufacturers For Equal Time
Quick! Are you adding jam, jelly, marmalade, preserves, honey, or bananas?

Manufacturers of marmalade, jelly, and preserves feel that they have a large enough grievance against jelly bottlers to sue them for equal time. Dabney Rind or Smith's Marmalade Corporation, speaking for all of the plaintiffs in the lawsuit, issued the following statement.

"We've all heard of peanut butter and jelly. The words have become somewhat synomymous. It's often just abbreviated to PB&J."

"Did you know, however, that a full seventy-one percent (71%) of all peanut butter sandwiches are made with either marmalade, jam, or preserves? They are not made with jelly! Additionally, another twelve percent (12%) of the sandwiches are made with either honey or bananas or some other ingredient. We also have a statistic that shows that two percent (2%) of the sandwich makers just use nothing but peanut butter without any additive."

"Do the math and you find that only (15%) of people that eat what is called a peanut butter and jelly sandwich even use jelly! Because of this gross inconsistency, we demand equal time and justice!"

When asked it they wanted some kid of monetary compensation or name change of the sandwich, Rind said "we just want people to call it what it is. If you are eating peanut butter and peach preserves, call it that. If it's peanut butter and orange marmalade, use that expression. This peanut butter and jelly stuff has just got to stop!"

Jelly manufacturers had no comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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