Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Funeral, Plants

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

image for Office Plant Magnate Dies And So Do Plants
Cactus plants survived the commercial plant carnage

Terry Aldous Greenthumm was found dead and partially decomposed in his New York apartment this morning, apparently expiring from natural causes up to two weeks prior. Greenthumm, owner of the largest conglomerate of commercial building plant suppliers, was often called a monopoly all unto himself. Most every regional commercial plant service company had either full or partial ownership by Greenthumm's holding company.

Running his entire business from a home laptop computer including payroll, Greenthumm ignored requests from accountants and business partners to modernize and distribute operations, but Greenthum ignored the pleas.

Maintenance activities started dropping off about two weeks earlier once regional plant service agents didn't receive paychecks. "No check, no work", says Edna Noliphe from the Detroit office. "Those plants can shrivel up and die for all I care", says Noliphe. It was an interesting parallel to what actually happened to Greenthum.

Office workers across the U.S. only began to take notice of fading plant health in the last few days, but by then it was too late. "Some of us girls heard that coffee is good for plants, so we tried to help them get better", says Ivanna Pitthare. "It turns out we all were dumping coffee on plants at the same time, and finished them off before the weekend. Now we're surrounded by brown plants all around the office."

The domino effect of Greenthumm's absence led to the early demise of millions of plants across the country and an asset loss in the hundreds of millions. Pitthare provided one possible solution to the loss of greenery around the office, "We voted to buy Chiaa Pets for each desk and bring a little green into the office that way. Mine looks like Obama, with green hair of course."

Greenthum is slated for internment this Saturday. In a twist of fate, all dead commercial plants were returned to the last known address for Mr. Greenthumm, which of course was the Happy Trails Funeral Home. His casket was surrounded by hundreds of leafless Ficus trees.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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