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Monday, 7 November 2005

image for Phish Retires; U.S. Employment Figures Plummet
Crowd at Phish's final festival enjoy their last day outside of social reality

60,000 new job seekers spontaneously appear in Vermont following blowout concert

VERMONT, 16 Aug 2004 -- The percentage of available jobs to job seekers in the U.S. took a serious downturn Monday morning, as legendary rock band Phish officially retired with a massive concert at the airport in Coventry, Vt., leaving the 60,000 in attendance and hundreds of thousands of other followers nationwide with little to occupy themselves for the rest of their lives.

"While we do not begrudge the band for deciding to end their 21-year run of relentless touring and recording to spend time with their families, it does put the nation in a bit of a bind because of the enormous pressure this influx of jobless and hobby-less people will put on ratty middle-income housing and community-based drum circles," says U.S. Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao. "On the other hand, we welcome this enormous demographic into the workforce in the long-term hopes that they will eventually become productive and prosperous, if dazed, members of society. Our biggest fear at the moment is that they will not be familiar with the most basic concepts of employments, such as proper attire and how goods and services may be traded for money."

"It's almost as though I'll need to trade my goods or services for money which can be further used to trade for other goods or services outside of the realm of state fairs and arena parking lots," said Rachel Goode, 31, who has been attending at least thirty Phish shows a year since 1994 and recently completed her doctoral thesis about the internal mythology of "Gamehenge", which itself was written by members of Phish as a master's thesis.

Anticipating their fans' collective predicament and wishing to express their appreciation for those who have supported them financially and sexually as far back as 1983, Phish themselves incorporated job search tips and interviewing skills into their three 8-hour sets.

Opening the concert, bassist Mike Gordon took the lead vocals and worked the crowd into an employment-seeking frenzy with the Phish classic "Mike's Song", peppering the lyrics with references to using action verbs when describing their past accomplishments on their resum├ęs.

The feverish melee paused only for the gentle pulsing of Page McConnell's organ, signaling the band's transition into less abstract interview help, including tips on proper attire and the importance of eye contact and a firm handshake.

As Phish launched into the coda of "You Enjoy Myself", the sun-drenched crowd thanked the band for the groove by screaming, lighting up countless joints, and throwing hundreds of C.V.'s into the air, many of them having been written on Powerbooks during a 75-minute four-part vocal breakdown of "Harry Hood".

"I was hoping Phish would keep me occupied for at least another year, since I recently completed my doctoral thesis about the internal mythology of 'Gamehenge'," says Catelyn Greenbaum, 31, who has been following the band since college and splits her spare time between trading bootlegs and casually looking for openings on the English faculties of community colleges. "That, and I was only five encounters short of breaking my friend Mariah's record of sleeping with Fishman seventeen times."

As the throngs drove out of town and fanned out to their respective parts of the country, likely forever, a few enterprising grungy individuals lingered along highway entrances, holding signs such as "WILL STRING BEADS FOR MONEY", "WILL TRADE NEW YEAR'S AT FLEETCENTER FOR MS OFFICE 2000 SKILLS TRAINING", and "NO JOB EXPERIENCE BUT PARENTS WON'T PAY RENT ANYMORE -- I NEED A MIRACLE."

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